I was visiting my mom today, and an old Greta Garbo movie about Napoleon was playing on television.
At some point, a character fell asleep and performed the classic movie snore.
You know the one.
A tidy little metronome snore that sounds as though it was taught during the second week of high-school theater.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Tiny whistle.
Repeat.
And I realized that in all my years of living, I have never met a human being who actually snores like that.
Not once.
Real snoring sounds like Home Depot after an earthquake.
It is a shop vac eating gravel.
It is a truck attempting to start in January while someone intermittently steps on a duck.
Sometimes there is a whistle. Sometimes there is a growl. Occasionally, the snorer stops breathing long enough for everyone else in the room to begin reviewing the emergency-contact procedure.
Then the engine suddenly restarts, and the mattress moves six inches.
There is no rhythm.
There is no dignity.
There is only an uncaged animal attempting to escape through somebody’s nose.
Yet Hollywood insists that snoring is a polite little metronome:
Snore.
Pause.
Snore.
Pause.
It is the kind of snoring that tells the audience, “This person is asleep,” without raising difficult questions about nasal surgery.
Nobody rolls over.
Nobody gets elbowed.
Nobody wakes up convinced that a motorcycle has entered the bedroom.
The glamorous leading lady simply looks across the room with mild annoyance while the sleeper produces three perfectly spaced noises.
Real snoring does not create mild annoyance.
Real snoring makes you wonder whether the house has developed a structural problem.
Maybe people snored differently in the 1930s.
Maybe everybody smoked enough cigarettes that their airways developed professional discipline.
Maybe Napoleon issued strict standards.
Whatever the explanation, I would like to meet one person who snores like people in the movies.
One.
I’ll wait.
Bring receipts.
Preferably audio.
Yesterday’s Autopsy
Yesterday’s four-pick card went 3-1.
Apparently, the secret was asking baseball teams merely to win.
The Astros moneyline beat Kansas City 6-2. Houston hit five home runs, including Yordan Alvarez’s 40th of the season.
No complications.
No margin requirements.
Just a baseball team winning a baseball game.
The Tigers moneyline lost to the White Sox 3-1.
Detroit was granted one opportunity to apologize for participating in the previous day’s catastrophe.
It declined.
Munetaka Murakami hit a three-run homer in the first inning, and Chicago spent the rest of the evening protecting it.
The Red Sox moneyline beat Texas 4-3.
Boston trailed 3-0 before Trevor Story hit a three-run homer in the eighth inning.
This was precisely the kind of ugly, narrow victory we requested.
No style points.
No supporting documentation.
Just one more run than the other team.
Finally, the Bills -4.5 beat Detroit 41-31.
Josh Allen led Buffalo to touchdowns on its first four possessions, and the Bills covered comfortably.
Three wins.
One loss.
The run-line department closed, and productivity immediately improved.
We did not win impressively.
We won a little.
That will be sufficient.
The Giant Scoreboard
ALL SPORTS: 1,075-1,096-7 (21 away from being .500)
TENNIS: 1-1
Who the hell bets on tennis?
Today’s Picks
Today’s card contains four picks.
We begin with the Guardians moneyline against the Athletics.
Mason Barnett enters with a 7.08 ERA for an Athletics team that is 61-92. Cleveland counters with Daniel Espino and remains tied for first place in the American League Central.
This is the cleanest matchup on the board.
That sentence has historically functioned as a warning label.
Next, we’re taking the Blue Jays moneyline against Texas.
Toronto sends Dylan Cease and his 2.38 ERA against Kumar Rocker, who enters at 5-11 with a 4.54 ERA.
The teams have identical records.
The starting pitchers do not.
We’re also taking the Padres moneyline against Miami.
San Diego is at home, fighting for postseason position and coming off a nine-run performance.
The price is not especially attractive.
Neither is losing.
We would rather win a little.
Finally, we’re taking the Giants +3.5 against the Dodgers.
Yes, this is technically a run line.
However, it is the friendly kind.
We are no longer demanding that a baseball team win by two. We are allowing San Francisco to lose by as many as three runs while still receiving full administrative credit.
The Dodgers clinched the division last night and may rest players. The Giants only need to remain somewhere near the baseball game.
This is less a wager on San Francisco winning than a request that it avoid being publicly dismantled.
Our attorneys have reviewed the distinction.
The Four
Guardians ML
Blue Jays ML
Padres ML
Giants +3.5
Four games.
Three moneylines.
One extremely forgiving run line.
Yesterday, asking teams merely to win produced a 3-1 card.
Today, we are extending the concept by allowing one team not to win at all.
It may lose.
It may look bad.
It may spend nine innings making noises that suggest a shop vac is eating gravel.
Just do not lose by four.
Bad Picks. Better Stories.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
