An overnight rescue operation, one deceased pillow, and five picks from a person who should probably be supervised.
Last night, I dreamed I was saving a hummingbird. I don’t remember the exact circumstances, but I remember being involved in a rescue, which is a nice role to give yourself while you’re sleeping. Some people dream about showing up to work naked. I apparently volunteer for tiny wildlife emergencies.
Then I woke up and one of my pillows had exploded. Pillow guts all over the bed.
Now we have questions.
Was I saving the hummingbird from some outside threat, or was I trying to eat the hummingbird in my sleep? Because those are very different dreams, and unfortunately, the only witness is also the suspect.
In the version my brain submitted, I was a compassionate man helping a delicate creature. In the version presented by my bedding, something had been disemboweled. I’d like to believe those two events were unrelated, but that feels like something my attorney would advise me to say.
Maybe I was performing CPR. I have no training in hummingbird resuscitation, but that wouldn’t necessarily stop Dream Me. Dream Me probably runs a clinic. Has a little badge. Once successfully delivered a dolphin in a freight elevator and then dropped him off at a sushi restaurant.
The problem is that I don’t know how much pressure you’re supposed to apply to a hummingbird. I’m guessing considerably less than whatever it takes to open a pillow without a zipper. Somewhere in that rescue, we appear to have moved from emergency medicine into upholstery demolition.
There’s also the possibility that the hummingbird fought back. I knew I was helping. Did anybody tell the hummingbird? From its perspective, a large man had grabbed it in the middle of the night and started explaining that everything was going to be fine.
That bird has a tiny sword attached to its face. Perhaps the pillow stepped between us.
A brave pillow. Never mentioned in the news.
Or maybe this wasn’t a rescue at all. Maybe it was a hostage negotiation. The hummingbird wanted safe passage and enough nesting material to finish a three-bedroom addition. I refused. It reminded me that I had to get up in a few hours and could either cooperate or listen to hovering until sunrise.
Apparently, we reached an agreement.
And yes, there are three dogs in this house. I understand that this gives us a fairly obvious alternate explanation. But I haven’t established who did what, and I’m reluctant to accuse anybody when I can’t account for my own activities between bedtime and the apparent bird extraction.
It’s entirely possible a dog opened the pillow while I was asleep and my brain incorporated it into the dream. It’s also possible the dogs arranged the whole scene and are now enjoying watching me wonder whether I attempted to swallow a hummingbird. I KNOW they enjoyed watching me vacuum it up and having to empty the vacuum four times because of the questionable fluffy contents.
All I can say for certain is that I went to bed with an intact pillow and woke up in a craft store explosion. There was no hummingbird at the scene.
Which either means the rescue was successful or we have a much bigger problem.
Yesterday’s Autopsy
We went 2–2. The Guardians and Padres won. The Blue Jays lost, and the Giants failed to cover even with three and a half runs of protection. September 18 results
We bought the Giants a cushion. Apparently, those weren’t safe yesterday either.
Two wins, two losses, and no movement toward .500. An entire evening spent walking on a treadmill with a clipboard.
The Giant Scoreboard
ALL SPORTS: 1,077–1,098–7
Still 21 net wins away from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1
Today’s Five
We started with four picks. Then I invited the Dodgers, because apparently my confidence in their opponent’s misery outweighed my commitment to keeping the guest list short.
- Yankees ML at Diamondbacks: Our strongest pitching lean on the original card. Just win. We’re not requesting additional services.
- Cubs ML at Reds: I like the combination of the pitching matchup and offensive support. A one-run victory is welcome here.
- Mets ML vs. Phillies: A specific matchup play, not a declaration that I have made peace with the Mets as an institution.
- Louisville ML vs. SMU: Taking Louisville at home and paying a little extra to avoid needing a margin. The thinnest lean of the original four.
- Dodgers -1.5 vs. Giants: My requested addition and a deliberate exception to our no-favorite-run-lines rule. LA must win by at least two. We’re also accepting the unresolved Giants starter rather than waiting for confirmation.
The Dodgers pick is based partly on my impression that the Giants have checked out. That is an impression, not a medical diagnosis, and the lower run-line price comes with an extra way to lose.
Still, I’ve made my decision. You are free to consider that alongside the fact that I woke up investigating whether I had eaten a bird.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
