Black ranch, seasonal lobster, and the Ella Langley Bowl of Orange.
The Riff. September 26, 2026
Fall has apparently become a licensing agreement.
I saw a Benihana e-mail ad inviting me to “Indulge in the Flavors of Fall.” There were pumpkins, pinecones, a cocktail, some dumplings, and a lobster tail.
The lobster was doing most of the work. I don’t know what makes lobster a fall flavor, unless it had recently put on a sweater. It looked like a perfectly good dinner that somebody had carried outside and placed near seasonal decorations.
I can respect a restaurant wanting to sell me lobster. I’m less convinced it needs to tell me what season the lobster believes it’s in.
The pinecones were especially persuasive. Somebody placed one next to the soup, and suddenly the entire meal was ready to go apple picking. I hope they remove it before serving. I don’t need to spend dinner wondering whether the garnish came from a tree.
Hidden Valley has gone further. It’s releasing black ranch dressing for Halloween in a glow-in-the-dark bottle. The dressing apparently tastes like ranch, which means the color was a decision somebody made in a meeting.
I would have liked to be in that meeting.
“What scares people?”
“Spiders.”
“Too difficult.”
“Ranch, but they can see it in the dark.”
“Get the bottle people in here.”
Now every time I open the refrigerator at night, I can be startled by something I bought on purpose. Dip if you dare. Check the expiration date while you’re in there.
It’s still September, and already I’m being asked to consider whether black ranch belongs on a lobster tail. I’d like a little more time with regular ranch and whatever season it thinks it is.
And today Tennessee plays Texas in what I’m calling the Ella Langley Bowl of Orange.
Ella performed “Choosin’ Texas” in Knoxville on Thursday and got booed. That’s a difficult room for a song with that title two days before Texas comes to town. She could have sung the rest of her set, come back for an encore, and announced she was choosin’ a parking space. People still would have heard “Texas.”
The pumpkin-spiced president is reportedly coming to the game, too. Tennessee orange on one side, burnt orange on the other, and a third indistinguishable shade of orange arriving with its own security detail.
I wonder whether Ella’s song will get played in the stadium. It has everything you’d want for the occasion: Tennessee, Texas, divided loyalties, and a crowd prepared to explain the plot back to the singer.
The whole day could use a seasonal menu. Put a pumpkin beside a lobster at midfield. Serve the dumplings with black ranch. Call the cocktail “Fourth and Fall.”
I’d try the lobster.
But I would like someone to tell me when it became autumn.
I’ll have the veal. I’m here all night.
Don’t Pick What I Pick
Yesterday: 4–0. Toronto, Milwaukee, the White Sox, and the Dodgers all won. After a week of investigating every weak spot on the card, we apparently found the secret: pick four baseball teams and ask each of them to win a baseball game.
The Dodgers even cooperated. I don’t want to make a big deal of it. They might hear me.
ALL SPORTS: 1,095–1,108–7 · 13 net wins from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1
Today we’re leaning into college football. We have six picks, which means I have found six separate opportunities to spend the afternoon saying, “There is still plenty of time.”
Today’s six, using the consensus spreads we discussed:
- UCF +3 vs. TCU. Give me the home team and the field goal. I expect this one to stay close enough that those three points have a job to do.
- Utah −7.5 at Iowa State. Utah is the one favorite I’m asking to create some distance. Winning by a touchdown won’t quite do it, which should keep me pleasant company through the fourth quarter.
- Iowa +5.5 at Michigan. Iowa can make a game uncomfortable for everyone involved. If it stays low scoring and physical, five and a half points give us room to survive a Michigan win.
- Alabama −12.5 vs. South Carolina. This is the bigger number on the card. We need Alabama to take control early and keep playing after the game starts to look settled.
- Tennessee +5.5 vs. Texas. The Ella Langley Bowl of Orange makes it onto the ticket. Tennessee gets the points at home; I’m hoping the Vols spend the afternoon choosin’ to stay within five.
- Wisconsin +10 at Penn State. Ten points give Wisconsin room to be competitive without asking it to win in Happy Valley. I would appreciate it if they used that room responsibly.
Six college football games, one very orange headline, and a full day to find out which fourth-quarter decision I’ll be discussing tomorrow.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
