Three armholes, no more aching morning, and a little jet lag in the memory foam.
The Riff. October 1, 2026
I bought a new shoulder pillow. This was to replace the violently destroyed hummingbird rescue pillow. It has memory foam, a cooling cover, and three armholes, which is one more than I brought to the transaction.
I was looking for a comfortable place to put my shoulder while I sleep. Apparently this requires a choice of entrances. Put your arm through the wrong opening and you might wake up in a different sleeping position and time zone than the one you booked. And you would have to go through TSA again.
The listing makes a very direct promise: “No more aching morning.”
I like that. I’ve had aching mornings. Some have continued into the afternoon. If a pillow can get rid of the entire category, I’m willing to hear it out.
But then I reached the warm tips at the bottom.
Because of the packaging and “long transportation,” the pillow may need up to 72 hours to fully recover after opening the box.
My pillow has jet lag.
I’m buying something to help me recover overnight, and it arrives needing a long weekend. I don’t know where it flew in from, but apparently the trip was harder on it than my shoulder.
I would have appreciated an update before delivery.
“Your package is eight stops away.”
“Your package has arrived.”
“Your package would prefer to be left alone until Sunday.”
There’s something very familiar about needing three days to recover from transportation. I’ve come home from trips like that. The difference is that nobody bought me specifically because I was supposed to be ready to support them immediately.
The first bullet in the listing says “DAY 1” and promises immediate relief for your shoulder and arm. The last one says the pillow might need three days.
I would like those two departments to meet.
“Are we ready to promise immediate comfort?”
“Absolutely.”
“How’s the pillow?”
“Still recovering.”
“From what?”
“Getting here.”
I’m trying to picture how you tell when it has fully recovered. Does it become more conversational? Do the armholes open at regular business hours? Am I supposed to leave it near a window so it can adjust to the local time? Does it play a little digital happy song?
Maybe it needs one night of proper sleep on a smaller pillow. Then that pillow needs another pillow, and pretty soon the whole bed is occupied by support staff.
The three armholes deserve some attention, too. I have spent my entire life owning two arms, and now a pillow has introduced doubt. Perhaps I’ve been sleeping badly because I haven’t been using the spare.
The listing explains that different arm positions help you find the perfect angle. Fair enough. But at some point I’m going to want to roll over. I’d like to know whether that’s a simple movement or whether I have to withdraw from one opening and apply to another.
I already get up during the night. I don’t need a pillow making me remember which way I came in.
It also has a cooling pillowcase. This is useful in Las Vegas, where even the phrase “memory foam” sounds like something that might retain the heat from last Tuesday. The cover is removable and washable, so at least one part of this arrangement is prepared to get straight to work.
Still, I hope it works. I would happily become a person who owns a complicated pillow if it means waking up comfortably. I’ll put my arm wherever the manufacturer thinks it belongs. I’ll wash the cooling cover. I’ll even give the foam a few days to collect itself after its difficult journey.
But I have questions about “No more aching morning.”
Does that start on my Day 1?
Or when the pillow finally feels up to it?
Don’t Pick What I Pick
Yesterday: 3–2. The White Sox beat Houston 7–3, the Padres beat the Cubs 4–1, and Colorado beat the Kings 8–4. Atlanta lost 4–3 in ten innings, and Boston lost 9–2.
We gave the Red Sox a run and a half. They needed considerably more padding. Maybe three armholes and a cooling cover.
Atlanta was the more aggravating loss. Tyler Mahle gave us seven innings of one-run ball, and the Braves led 3–1 going into the eighth. I was getting an early afternoon sports boner. Then Philadelphia hit back-to-back home runs. A perfectly useful afternoon developed an aching evening.
The Padres’ fresh bullpen did its job. The White Sox, our least confident selection, won comfortably. Colorado scored eight, which was a thoughtful way to keep me from spending the night worrying about the goalie.
ALL SPORTS: 1,111–1,118–7 · 7 net losses from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1
Today’s five are already placed. We have NFL, college football, WNBA, and hockey. The card gets locked before the workday starts. I can’t spend the afternoon waiting to find out whether a goalie—or a pillow—is ready.
Prices below are the morning reference lines; individual ticket prices may differ.
- Steelers −2.5 at Browns — around −110. Pittsburgh is also tonight’s confidence-pool pick, worth five points. I like the Steelers to win by at least a field goal, though a road divisional game gets a modest confidence rank.
- North Texas ML at Tulsa — around even money to −110. North Texas brings the stronger scoring offense; Tulsa brings the better defensive numbers. I’m taking the Mean Green to do enough with the ball to win, without asking them for a particular margin.
- Aces ML vs. Fever — around −190. Back to Las Vegas for the deciding game. Indiana reminded us that this series requires actual basketball, so I’m taking A’ja Wilson and the Aces to win at home without adding a spread requirement.
- Devils ML vs. Flyers — around −160 to −170. New Jersey opens at home against a Philadelphia team that played last night. The rest advantage is the main attraction. Unlike my pillow, I’m hoping the Devils arrive ready to work.
- Utah Mammoth ML vs. Blackhawks — around −215. The expensive selection on the card. Utah gets its home opener against Chicago, and I like the Mammoth’s offensive edge. This one is placed, too; we took the morning information and made the decision.
Five games across four sports. Everybody has somewhere to put their arms, and nobody gets 72 hours to recover before participating.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
