No Offense. Please Put On This Helmet.

The sentence before the sentence is usually where the trouble starts.

The Riff. October 3, 2026

Someone started the end of a conversation with me yesterday by saying, “Now, I’m not racist…”

That is a concerning statement. We haven’t even gotten to the subject yet, and you’ve already brought out a character witness for yourself.

I didn’t ask. We weren’t filling out an application. Yet here you are, getting your defense into the record before the prosecution knows there’s a case.

Whenever somebody opens with “I’m not racist,” you can be reasonably confident the next sentence is going to put considerable strain on that announcement. Whatever is coming has apparently been through an internal review, and even you thought it needed a little paperwork. It still wanders out of the mouth.

“Now, I’m not racist…”

You can bet the next words out of the mouth will be a racist statement, or “Nobody knows more about racism than me…”

It got me thinking about all the things people say before saying the exact opposite. We have an entire language devoted to giving ourselves permission to proceed with something we probably shouldn’t.

“No offense” is the most efficient. Two words. Very economical. You can offend someone and decline responsibility without taking a second breath.

Nobody ever says, “No offense, but those are lovely shoes.” It’s always something you’re going to remember while brushing your teeth three days later.

And if you do take offense, suddenly you’re the problem. They specifically requested that you not. You have failed to follow instructions.

“With all due respect” has a little more ceremony. This one wears a jacket. It sounds like something said at a city council meeting right before somebody explains that the entire council couldn’t organize a sandwich.

The clever part is “due.” They haven’t specified how much respect you’re due. Could be none. Could be a very small amount left over from someone else. Is there a due scale? Is it in Celsius or Fahrenheit?

“I’m not judging” is another favorite. Oh, you are absolutely judging. You’ve examined the evidence, reached a verdict, and are now deciding whether my sentence should include community service.

Sometimes they add, “You do you.”

Thank you. I was planning to. It’s been a fairly consistent arrangement. I don’t know another you I can you too.

“I don’t mean to complain” generally means you should find a chair. There are chapters. Someone has dates, names, and a photograph of the receipt. You’re about to learn what happened at a restaurant you’ve never been to involving a manager you will never meet.

I respect a prepared complaint. I just think we can skip the part where you pretend you accidentally wandered into it. Followed by a “Should I post it on YouTube?”

“I’m just being honest” is particularly useful because it suggests everyone else has been lying. You alone have the courage to tell me my haircut makes me look like I manage a bowling alley.

There are honest things you could say that would improve my day. Apparently those didn’t make the cut.

Then there’s “I don’t want to make this about me.”

Well, enjoy these final seconds when it isn’t.

And “Long story short,” which is less a promise than an announcement that the speaker has lost control of the material. We are twenty minutes in, and I still don’t know why your cousin needed a ladder.

I’m sure I use some of these myself. “Not to be that guy” comes to mind, usually at the precise moment I have decided to become that guy.

Maybe we should appreciate the warning. Most unpleasant experiences don’t give you an introduction. A pothole doesn’t clear its throat and say, “With all due respect to your suspension…”

People do.

So when someone says “No offense,” I’m going to try to hear it in the spirit intended.

Something is coming.

Please put on this helmet.

Don’t Pick What I Pick

Yesterday’s card went 1–4. No offense to our selections, but most of them were terrible at the part where they win.

Virginia Tech ML — LOSS. Pitt won 35–33. Virginia Tech missed a potential winning field goal as time expired. With all due respect to the uprights, we needed the ball between them.

Liberty −6.5 — WIN. Liberty beat Delaware 30–14. Our lone winner built a 30–0 lead before Delaware scored twice in the fourth quarter. Thank you for making the complaint department handle one fewer call.

Hurricanes ML — LOSS. Washington beat Carolina 5–2. The disclaimer did not include enough defense.

Golden Knights ML — LOSS. Anaheim won 4–3. Vegas fell behind 4–0, then staged a comeback that stopped one goal short of making this my favorite story.

Valkyries −7.5 — LOSS. Golden State beat Dallas 77–73. They advanced. Our spread did not.

ALL SPORTS: 1,117–1,123–7 · Six net losses from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1.

Today’s Picks — October 3

Navy–Air Force Under 45.5
Two offenses built around running the football and draining the clock. Navy’s run defense gives us another reason to expect fewer points.

UCF–Houston Under 51.5
The angle is Houston’s defense against UCF’s offensive line, plus a pace that should limit possessions.

Brewers First-Five Moneyline vs. Padres
We’re concentrating on the starting-pitching advantage with Jacob Misiorowski facing Robbie Ray and reducing our exposure to San Diego’s late-inning bullpen. Tie pushes.

Kings Moneyline at Sharks
Los Angeles is our lower-confidence selection. Kevin Fiala’s injury is a concern, and Darcy Kuemper and Yaroslav Askarov are projected starters, not confirmed.

Dodgers First-Five Moneyline vs. Braves
Tarik Skubal starts for Los Angeles against an expected Atlanta bullpen game. We’re backing the early pitching advantage. Tie pushes.

This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.

It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.

Please wager accordingly.