Dryer sheets, superglue, and a business plan that could have used a dog.
The Riff. October 2, 2026
Most of the time, I fly with a Solgaard carry-on. Unpaid advertisement: their stuff rocks. On the rare occasion I have to check a bag, I worry. Is it too heavy? Did I pack my charger in the wrong bag? Have I brought enough underwear for a trip during which I expect to continue wearing underwear?
Then I read about people allegedly flying marijuana from Los Angeles to Orlando with dryer sheets packed around it. This was NOT in the Scarface plot.
I have been approaching the laundry aisle with a considerable lack of ambition.
According to the report, Orlando police intercepted more than 200 pounds of marijuana across two airport busts earlier this year. Investigators described blankets, dryer sheets, and suitcases with locks glued shut.
The dryer sheets are the detail I keep returning to. Somebody apparently looked at a large quantity of marijuana and thought the situation called for a fresher scent.
I use those things because a sock occasionally sticks to my shirt. These people were asking them to participate in a felony.
Imagine that shopping trip. You’ve got luggage, blankets, superglue, and a box of dryer sheets. The cashier assumes you’re moving into your first apartment. You’re actually assembling a transportation department.
“Would you like your receipt?”
“Probably shouldn’t.”
I wonder how much confidence they had in the dryer sheets. Enough to pack them, obviously. But was there a discussion about the fragrance?
“Fresh linen?”
“Too obvious.”
“Spring meadow?”
“We’re going to Florida.”
“Outdoor fresh?”
“Now you’re thinking.”
Meanwhile, a police dog arrives with no interest in the branding.
That has to be an unpleasant moment. You’ve put time into this. You’ve bought supplies. You’ve wrapped things. You assumed you had the right scent and the right quantity. And now an employee who occasionally licks himself is reviewing your work.
The dog doesn’t need to understand the itinerary. He doesn’t care whether you paid for a checked bag or whether your connection was tight. He has one particular interest in the suitcase, and it isn’t how nicely the blankets smell.
The glued locks deserve a meeting of their own. I understand wanting to keep strangers out of your luggage. But eventually somebody is going to ask you to open it.
That’s a difficult time to explain that your security system is permanent.
“Can you unlock this?”
“Technically, no one can.”
There’s something wonderfully optimistic about believing an airport investigation will end because the zipper has become inconvenient. These are people with tools, authority, and somewhere to put you while they work.
They are not standing in your bedroom trying to open a stubborn suitcase five minutes before checkout.
And I keep thinking about the ordinary travelers nearby. Somebody is arguing about a baggage charge and a middle seat. Somebody has tied a ribbon around a black suitcase so they can identify it. Somebody is wondering whether their shampoo leaked.
Then a dog takes an unusual interest in a bag that smells like somebody has washed an entire apartment building.
Yesterday, I wrote about my new pillow needing up to 72 hours to recover from transportation. Today, we have luggage that apparently needed blankets, fragrance, and structural reinforcement before it could travel.
I’m starting to think everything coming through an airport has a more elaborate routine than I do.
At least my pillow is allowed to spend three days sitting around collecting itself.
The dryer sheets may need longer.
They went into this expecting to prevent static cling and came out mentioned in police records.
I hope somebody left them a review.
“Clothes smelled lovely. Dog remained unconvinced.”
Inspired by the New York Post’s report on the Orlando airport drug busts.
Don’t Pick What I Pick
Yesterday: 5–1, including the rogue Browns moneyline bet. The original card went 4–1. North Texas, the Aces, the Devils, and the Utah Mammoth won. Pittsburgh −2.5 lost when Cleveland won 27–24.
Fortunately, I had also purchased a separate ticket asking Cleveland to do exactly that.
Bertie picked Pittsburgh. I purchased an escape hatch.
That doesn’t erase the Steelers loss. Both bets count. It does mean I had a small financial interest in the Browns ruining our evening, which is a complicated way to watch football.
North Texas needed overtime to beat Tulsa 45–44. We asked the Mean Green to win without specifying a margin, and they took that instruction very literally.
The Aces beat Indiana 94–83 to finish the series. A’ja Wilson had 36 points and 10 rebounds. Apparently the solution to our concerns about road playoff teams was to let the Aces come home.
New Jersey beat Philadelphia 3–2 in overtime. Utah beat Chicago 6–0, which was considerate. After North Texas and the Devils, I appreciated a team willing to complete its assignment without requesting additional time.
ALL SPORTS: 1,116–1,119–7 · 3 net losses from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1
Today’s card has two college football games, two hockey games, and one WNBA playoff game. We’re making the selections in the morning, before the workday gets ideas.
Prices below are morning reference lines; individual ticket prices may differ. The Valkyries price is a buying target.
- Virginia Tech ML vs. Pitt — around −143. Both teams are unbeaten, but Pitt gets its first road test at Lane Stadium. I’m giving Virginia Tech the edge at home and asking for a win without attaching a margin.
- Liberty −6.5 at Delaware — around −114. Liberty brings the stronger scoring and defensive numbers. Delaware quarterback Nick Minicucci’s availability remains uncertain after a knee injury, and the backup struggled at Virginia. I like Liberty here, preferably with the number staying below seven.
- Hurricanes ML vs. Capitals — around −140. Carolina at home is my favorite selection at the quoted price. We need the Hurricanes to win, and overtime is welcome to help if it insists on becoming involved.
- Golden Knights ML vs. Ducks — around −185 to −192. Vegas gets Anaheim at home. The Ducks are missing Troy Terry, and I like the Golden Knights’ forward depth. The morning goalie listings are projected, but this is the morning selection.
- Valkyries −7.5 vs. Wings — target −110 or better. Golden State won the first home game by 24, then Dallas answered in overtime on its own floor. Back at Chase Center, I like the Valkyries against a Dallas defense that has struggled on the road. This is also the selection most capable of turning a comfortable lead into an uncomfortable final minute.
Five separate picks. Two of them involve teams named after weather, and none of them should require superglue to hold the afternoon together.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
