Warner Bros. gets a merger, the news gets a supervision committee, and a discarded coyote finds paying customers.
Don’t Pick What I Pick — September 22
Bad Picks. Better Stories.
The states have agreed to let the Paramount–Warner Bros. merger proceed, which is wonderful news if you’ve been watching television and thinking, “I wish fewer people were in charge of all of this.”
Personally, I was hoping somebody would fix the volume difference between the dialogue and the commercials. Apparently, that requires a larger acquisition.
These deals always promise a better experience for the consumer. I’m sure mine will arrive in an email explaining why my current subscription no longer includes the things I subscribed to watch.
But first, congratulations to Warner Bros.
It takes a special kind of entertainment company to look at a completed movie featuring one of its most recognizable characters and decide the most exciting potential audience is an accountant.
Which brings us to Coyote vs. Acme.
Warner shelved it. Ketchup Entertainment eventually stepped in to release it. And now the movie has brought in roughly $100 million worldwide.
Ketchup.
A company named after something I put on fries had to remind Warner Bros. what movies are for.
I understand that box-office receipts aren’t pure profit. There are theaters, marketing costs, distribution expenses, and presumably somebody who charges extra to remove cartoon dynamite from the premises.
But paying customers are a promising development for a movie whose previous release strategy was “perhaps nobody should see this.”
Somewhere, an executive had to receive that update.
“The coyote appears to have an audience.”
“Did we authorize that?”
The beautiful part is that Wile E. Coyote has spent his entire career buying products that fail spectacularly. Rocket skates. Giant magnets. Equipment that delivers him directly into a rock face.
And somehow, the people managing his career looked less qualified to make purchasing decisions.
At least the coyote tests the product before disappearing into a canyon.
Now those corporate instincts are being folded into an even larger organization. More properties. More meetings. More opportunities for a man with a presentation to explain why the audience is interfering with the business model.
I can already imagine the new logo.
A mountain. A shield. An anvil suspended directly above the billing department.
Meanwhile, the merger settlement includes a board of journalists intended to protect the editorial independence of CNN and CBS News.
That sounds reassuring until you remember somebody has to decide who qualifies as a journalist.
I assume Bari Weiss will probably get a chair. If we’re counting her as a journalist, I’d like my consideration as an NFL offensive coordinator. I also have strong opinions and have recently overseen a disaster involving the Giants.
To be clear, I’m imagining the appointment. I haven’t seen a seating chart. If Tweety doesn’t get a spot, it’s strictly for show. I want to know what he twat he twaw.
Although I would enjoy watching a committee establish its independence by waiting for somebody upstairs to approve the wording.
“We are pleased to announce that nobody tells us what to say.”
“Legal needs you to remove ‘nobody.’”
I’m sure the board will have a mission statement. Possibly a very nice table shaped like an eye with a mountain pointing out of the middle. Nothing reassures me about the future of journalism quite like a conference room that costs more than a local newsroom.
And I’m sure the entertainment side will explain that combining everything gives audiences more choice.
I would like to choose a movie, press play, and watch it.
That is the entire relationship I’m seeking.
I don’t need to understand which mountain owns which rabbit. I don’t want to follow a corporate family tree to locate a sitcom. And I certainly don’t want to become emotionally attached to a show that somebody might decide is more valuable as a subtraction if it ticks off orange baboons.
Yesterday, I wrote about having three robot vacuums and somehow ending up with more work.
Hollywood appears to have studied my situation and concluded that the solution is to merge the vacuums, appoint a board, and charge me separately for the hallway.
The dogs would still be shedding.
The floor would still be dirty.
But the announcement would describe it as an exciting new chapter.
I have a simpler suggestion for Warner Bros.
Make the movie. Let people watch the movie. If they like it, consider making another one.
The coyote finally found an audience.
Maybe stop dropping things on him.
Yesterday’s Autopsy
Zero wins, three losses. Apparently, yesterday’s picks came from the Acme catalog.
Toronto lost 4–3 to Baltimore after scoring three runs in the first inning and deciding that should probably cover the evening. Pete Alonso’s two-run homer in the eighth provided the final anvil.
Minnesota lost 5–2 to San Francisco. We backed the Twins’ bats, and they supplied two solo home runs. Unfortunately, the Giants had ordered the package that included additional scoring.
Then there were the football Giants.
We took +7.5, and the Rams won 28–6. Jaxson Dart left with a knee injury on the opening drive, and the evening deteriorated from there.
We bought a little breathing room and discovered the building had no oxygen.
The extra point wasn’t the problem. Our confidence in the pick was. We could have spent that entire pricing discussion selecting a different football team.
Instead, we picked against the baseball Giants and backed the football Giants.
Both organizations took that personally.
Three steps backward. We’re now 19 net wins from .500, which is the sort of number a studio executive would describe as an exciting opportunity for restructuring.
I would prefer some wins.
The Giant Scoreboard
ALL SPORTS: 1,084–1,103–7
19 net wins away from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1
Today’s Picks
The board was open to all sports. We landed on four baseball moneylines.
After yesterday, I would appreciate four teams that understand the difference between a promising concept and a finished product.
Mariners ML vs. Astros — consensus around -150
Logan Gilbert gives Seattle the starting-pitching edge over Cristian Javier, and the Mariners’ recent offense has been stronger than Houston’s.
Javier has pitched better this month, so this isn’t an automatic dismissal. Seattle’s bullpen availability also deserves attention. Still, the Mariners are my first choice on the card.
Just win. No committee required.
Diamondbacks ML at Rockies — consensus around -195 to -200
I prefer Michael Soroka against Kyle Freeland, with Arizona bringing the stronger overall team into the matchup.
Coors Field can turn a comfortable pitching argument into a cartoon chase scene fairly quickly. We’re taking the moneyline and allowing Arizona to win by whatever margin it finds convenient.
Keep the rocket skates in the box.
Cubs ML vs. Marlins — consensus around -215
Shota Imanaga gets the ball against Janson Junk. Imanaga has won his last three starts, and Chicago has a chance to clinch a playoff berth.
Alex Bregman’s absence takes something out of the lineup, and Junk pitched well against the Cubs earlier this month. There’s enough here to like Chicago, but no reason to pretend Miami has agreed to participate in a ceremony.
Win the game. Then handle the champagne.
Dodgers ML vs. Padres — consensus around -120
My Dodgers get the fourth chair.
Justin Wrobleski was excellent in his last outing: three perfect innings against Cincinnati with three strikeouts. The Monday off day also helps the bullpen behind him.
Los Angeles still has a first-round bye to secure. There’s a reason to keep pushing.
I suggested San Diego had been falling apart. Bertie checked. The Padres had won 13 of 14.
Their bed is, regrettably, immaculate.
So this pick rests on Wrobo’s recent work, the rested relief corps, and the Dodgers at home. Michael King and a hot Padres team make this the toughest assignment on our card.
I’m still taking Los Angeles.
Four selections. All moneylines. A one-run victory is a perfectly acceptable contribution.
And if anybody has to drop an anvil tonight, please check which dugout we’re in first.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
