The universal sign for “photographer” may not be as universal as I had hoped.
The Riff
“I knocked first” is one of those statements that sounds less like an explanation and more like the beginning of a legal defense.
But I did.
I was photographing an Airbnb yesterday, which is not unusual. I photograph Airbnbs all the time. I arrive, take pictures of attractively arranged towels, attempt to make undersized bedrooms look emotionally spacious and leave before anyone asks why the dining table is set for six when the house sleeps four.
This particular Airbnb had a backyard. While walking through it, I passed an open door near the back of the property that appeared to lead into a small shed. I meant to just shut the door.
I knocked.
A man opened the door wearing nothing but tight blue underwear. Really tight. Polska Kielbasa tight.
This was not listed among the property amenities.
He didn’t speak English. I didn’t speak whatever language would have been useful at that particular moment. He began dictating into his phone, then showed me the translation:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
A fair question.
I attempted to explain that I was the photographer. I didn’t use a translator app. Instead, I started using the universal photographer gesture: one hand held up near my eye while the thumb and forefinger press together like I’m pushing an imaginary shutter button.
Click. Click.
Pictures.
Everyone understands that.
Apparently, everyone does not understand that.
He looked at me, looked at my hand, looked down and communicated that there would be no pictures. I did not intentionally look down.
Fine. No pictures.
I walked away because when a nearly naked stranger emerges from a backyard shed and declines photography, the professional response is to respect the creative differences and move on.
It wasn’t until after I left that I reconsidered the exchange from his perspective.
He was peacefully existing in a shed wearing his tight blue Speedo underwear when a bald man appeared at his door, knocked, pointed at his own eye and started making enthusiastic camera motions.
I thought I was saying, “I’m here to photograph the house.”
He may have heard, “The light is perfect. Let’s make art.”
This is the danger of relying on universal gestures. We assume they have internationally agreed-upon meanings, but they do not. Holding an imaginary camera to your face may mean “photographer.” It may mean “picture.” It may also mean, “Sir, I believe the shed gives us the privacy we need.”
The misunderstanding was not his fault.
He was extremely clear.
No pictures.
I’m the one who wandered into the backyard and accidentally pitched an unauthorized blue-underwear portrait session using mime.
Fortunately, I knocked first.
That fact may become very important later.
Yesterday’s Autopsy
Yesterday went 2-2, otherwise known as breaking even after several hours of unnecessary emotional administration.
The Marlins moneyline lost 9-4. Eury Pérez allowed seven runs in four innings, while Jonah Tong demonstrated that his developing relationship with walks was apparently going through a healthy phase.
The Phillies moneyline won 1-0 behind Jesús Luzardo’s first career complete game. He struck out 12, allowed two hits and waited until Kyle Schwarber homered in the eighth inning before receiving the extravagant gift of one run.
The Blue Jays -1.5 did not require a complicated grading process. Toronto lost 6-5 on a walk-off infield single. You cannot cover a run and a half when you do not cover the basic requirement of winning.
Then SMU -2.5 beat Florida State 27-24 on a late field goal.
A three-point victory on a two-and-a-half-point spread.
Half a point is not much until it is standing between you and a losing day. Then it becomes beachfront property.
Two winners. Two losers.
The round robin produced one surviving pair: Philadelphia and SMU. Everyone else may collect their belongings from the backyard shed.
Please knock first.
The Giant Scoreboard
ALL SPORTS: 1,052-1,078-7
TENNIS: 1-1
Who the hell bets on tennis?
Today’s Picks
Today we have four picks, beginning with the Tigers moneyline against Minnesota. Dean Kremer carries a 5.81 ERA and allowed four runs in four innings against Detroit last week. Drew Anderson held the Twins to one earned run over 5⅔ innings in that same matchup. Anderson’s underlying numbers are less flattering than his recent results, which keeps Detroit from becoming the sacred anchor, but the starting-pitching advantage is still enough to make the card.
We’re taking the Yankees -1.5 because Cam Schlittler has a 2.04 ERA and 0.94 WHIP, while Colorado counters with Gabriel Hughes and his 0-6 record and 6.19 ERA. The Rockies are also 25-47 on the road, and Aaron Judge returns to the Yankees’ lineup after missing three months. The New York moneyline has therefore been placed in the same display case as the crown jewels, so we move to the run line.
The Blue Jays -1.5 return because apparently I process trauma by recreating it. José Soriano brings a 3.58 ERA against Jack Perkins, who is 3-10 with a 6.50 ERA and 1.54 WHIP. Toronto failed to cover yesterday by employing the unconventional strategy of losing outright. Today’s matchup gives them another opportunity to understand the assignment.
Finally, we’re taking the Dodgers -1.5 behind Tarik Skubal. He owns a 2.86 ERA and 0.98 WHIP, while Cincinnati’s Nick Lodolo enters with a 5.08 ERA and 1.52 WHIP. The Dodgers have won five straight, and the full-game moneyline is priced for people who believe disposable income should actually be disposed of. I believe the Dodgers have finally found their mojo. And it is named Hernández-Edman.
Tigers ML
Yankees -1.5
Blue Jays -1.5
Dodgers -1.5
Milwaukee does not make the card. Jacob Misiorowski is excellent, but the Cubs scored five runs against him last week. Paying a premium for an immediate rematch feels less like finding an edge and more like insisting the stove might be cooler this time.
Four picks. No ceremonial fifth.
If today’s card fails, I will explain that I was merely making the universal sign for winning.
Everyone understands that.
Probably.
Bad Picks. Better Stories.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
