Somewhere out there, two people are perfect for each other. Their license plates will never know.
The Riff. October 5, 2026
I saw a license plate the other day that said “MS TAT.”
Miss Tat.
Naturally, my brain decided there must be a Mr. Tit somewhere. They could meet, fall in love, and have a tit for tat.
This is what my brain does when left without adult supervision. Other people notice traffic conditions. I’m developing a relationship between two vehicles.
The problem, of course, is that I cannot imagine the DMV approving “MR TIT.”
The DMV therefore does not believe in love.
Miss Tat is out there driving around, potentially unaware that her perfect match has been stopped at the application stage. He could be three cars behind her at a light, but his plate says something like “JIM482,” and she has no idea.
A romance destroyed by administrative review.
I like personalized plates because they give you a tiny glimpse into what somebody considers essential information. You have a limited amount of space to tell strangers who you are, and some people decide the most pressing announcement is that they enjoy golf.
We could have guessed. There are clubs in the back, and you’re wearing a visor inside a car with a roof.
Others want you to know the car is fast. I appreciate the advance notice, particularly when we’re both doing eleven miles an hour behind a landscaping trailer.
Your vehicle may be capable of extraordinary things. Currently, we are all following a rake.
Then there are the plates that require several miles of interpretation. You’re behind somebody trying to determine whether “GR8FUL” means they’re grateful, they like the Grateful Dead, or they own a company that sells fireplace grates.
By the time you solve it, you’ve missed your turn.
I saw a plate that said “SLO2JZ” and spent an entire day deciding whether it belonged to an adult film star or someone who got into jazz really late in life.
I don’t know what “MS TAT” actually meant to the person who ordered it. Could be tattoos. Could be initials. Could be something perfectly sensible that I have now dragged into a completely different neighborhood.
But once I had found Mr. Tit, I felt responsible for the couple.
Imagine them pulling into a restaurant together. Two cars, side by side. Tit for tat. A hostess looking out the window and realizing the evening has already developed a theme.
They could get married. Keep their separate cars. Marriage requires compromise, but I don’t think either person should surrender their contribution to the bit.
Eventually, someone would suggest a joint vehicle.
Absolutely not. You cannot fit the relationship on one plate without creating a different conversation.
And what would Mr. Tit put on the rejected application? There ought to be a box for context.
“Please explain your requested combination.”
Well, there’s a woman.
Already, the reviewer is reaching for a supervisor.
Then he has to explain Miss Tat, the matching plates, the wordplay, and his sincere belief that the public would enjoy seeing them parked together at Costco.
I picture the supervisor listening to the whole thing, nodding thoughtfully, then sliding over a standard plate.
“Have you considered expressing your affection through a bumper sticker?”
A bumper sticker? That’s where you announce that your child is an honor student or ask someone to remain a minimum distance from your ass. This is a love story.
It needs embossed lettering.
I think about all the ways people meet now. Dating apps. Mutual friends. A wedding where everyone has been seated according to whether they can be trusted near an open bar.
Here was another possibility. A little automotive destiny. Two people finding each other through a joke that works best at a red light.
And I have already decided a government agency would stand in their way.
Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe Mr. Tit would get a sympathetic reviewer. Someone who has loved. Someone who understands language. Someone approaching retirement who has decided the last application of the day can be somebody else’s problem.
I hope so.
Because Miss Tat is out there.
And somewhere, a man is driving around with the wrong name.
Don’t Pick What I Pick
Yesterday went 2–3. Green Bay survived, the Rams covered by half a point, and the Aces, Dodgers, and Lions provided three different explanations for why this section has its name.
Yesterday’s autopsy — October 4
- Packers moneyline at Buccaneers — WIN. Green Bay won 17–14. Taking the moneyline gave us room for exactly the ugly, narrow victory we discussed.
- Rams −3.5 at Eagles — WIN. Los Angeles rallied to win 24–20. A four-point victory covered by half a point. Comfortable viewing was not included.
- Aces moneyline at Valkyries — LOSS. Golden State won 71–60 and dominated the rebounding battle 52–25. The regular-season sweep did not collect a single rebound for Vegas.
- Dodgers moneyline vs. Braves — LOSS. Atlanta won 3–2. Snell lasted only 3⅔ innings, and the Braves’ pitching kept Los Angeles quiet. The only time I wish Dodger Stadium had a roof.
- Lions −3.5 at Panthers — LOSS. Carolina won 32–26. McMillan caught 14 passes for 192 yards and two touchdowns. Detroit’s vulnerable secondary remained vulnerable.
ALL SPORTS: 1,122–1,127–8 — five net losses from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1.
Today’s picks — October 5
White Sox moneyline at Guardians
Chicago plans to open with Anthony Kay, with Sean Burke expected to follow. That gives Cleveland different looks rather than a conventional six-inning assignment against one starter. Gavin Williams’ strikeout ability is the concern. This is our fourth addition and a lower-confidence underdog selection. Though Benzo believes the White Sox are a team of destiny.
Penguins moneyline vs. Jets
Winnipeg played in Detroit yesterday and travels to Pittsburgh for the second half of a back-to-back. Clay Stevenson is confirmed for his Jets debut. Pittsburgh is rested at home, with Sergei Murashov projected but unconfirmed at the morning check. The rest and travel situation drives the pick; the Penguins’ own goalie uncertainty remains a risk.
Rays moneyline vs. Yankees
Cam Schlittler versus Freddy Peralta is confirmed. Schlittler presents a serious challenge, but Tampa Bay gets home field, a rested bullpen, and a Yankees lineup without Aaron Judge. Peralta’s recent form strengthens the case for taking the home underdog. This is the full-game moneyline.
Falcons moneyline at Saints
Atlanta has extra rest following its Thursday win over Green Bay, and Michael Penix’s return gives the offense a better foundation. New Orleans is missing Carl Granderson, Anfernee Jennings, and Kaden Elliss on defense. Atlanta has defensive injury questions of its own, but I favor the Falcons to win outright.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
