The Jukebox Vigilante

I have a habit of taking control of an unattended bar jukebox. I listen for clues about what people want to hear, then play the song before they know I was paying attention. Last night, that led to an impromptu Erykah Badu performance, followed by a Bee Gees duet with one of the regulars. I had the high part. I did not have every word, but those seemed like separate responsibilities.

An Erykah Badu audition nobody asked for, a Bee Gees duet, and the dangers of leaving me near an unattended jukebox.

The Riff. September 27, 2026

If I walk into a bar and nobody seems to be in charge of the jukebox, I take that as an opening. I’m not trying to play my favorite songs all night. I want to find out what your favorite song is, then put it on when you least expect it.

I listen for clues. Somebody mentions a band. Somebody says they used to love a song. A few minutes later, it comes out of the speakers, and I get to watch them look up.

I am the jukebox vigilante. Nobody hired me, and the bar has no reason to believe I’m qualified.

Last night, I overheard a conversation between a 55-year-old white woman and one of the regulars. She mentioned that her karaoke jam was Erykah Badu. I had questions, but I kept them to myself and put on “Tyrone.”

This was partly a request and partly an audition she had not agreed to take.

I waited for the opening. She recognized it immediately and started singing. She knew every word. She sang it beautifully, loudly, drunkenly, and I had to retire from my position as the bar’s self-appointed Erykah Badu examiner.

I had held the job for about four minutes and learned a great deal.

That’s the risk when you decide, based on overhearing half a conversation, that somebody needs to prove themselves to you. Sometimes they do. Then you’re standing there holding a drink, hoping nobody noticed you were administering a test.

One of the regulars told me he loved Metallica and the Bee Gees. That’s a musical range I respect. You can spend one part of the evening preparing to enter a stadium through a wall of fire and the other asking how anyone can mend a broken heart.

He put on the Bee Gees song, and before long, he and I were singing two-part harmony.

I had the high part.

I’d like to say the room fell silent, but I was busy concentrating on my part. I do not know every word, but when you have the high part… is that important? There are notes to get up to. The consonants can find their own way home.

For a moment, I was no longer managing the room’s musical experience. I was participating in it, whether the room had approved or not.

That is how jukebox vigilantism gets you. You start out thinking you’ll surprise strangers with songs they love. Then one of them hands you half a Bee Gees song, and you find out the high part is yours.

I’ll probably do it again. If I hear you mention a song at a bar, there’s a good chance it’s next. Just know that if you start singing, I may join you.

I know most of the words.

But I’m prepared to take the high part.

Don’t Pick What I Pick

Yesterday: 6–0. UCF, Utah, Iowa, Alabama, Tennessee, and Wisconsin all covered. Tennessee lost to Texas by three and still did its job. Iowa won outright at Michigan, and Wisconsin won outright at Penn State.

After spending yesterday’s column explaining that six picks meant six opportunities to spend the afternoon saying, “There is still plenty of time,” I had considerably less to complain about than expected. I’ll try to handle that with grace.

ALL SPORTS: 1,101–1,108–7 · 7 net wins from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1

Today we’re staying with football. It’s the last day of baseball’s regular season, when a lineup can look like the manager selected it by asking who still had clean socks. We have six separate NFL picks.

  • Bengals ML at Steelers — around −172. I like Cincinnati to win; I don’t need them to win by four in Pittsburgh.
  • Lions −6.5 vs. Jets. Detroit is the home favorite I’m asking to put some distance between itself and the Jets.
  • Panthers −2.5 at Browns. Carolina can cover this with a three-point win. I’d be delighted if they didn’t wait until the final kick to arrange it.
  • Ravens −3.5 at Cowboys. Baltimore needs to win by more than a field goal. I am aware that this gives us a reason to stare at the scoreboard until the clock reaches zero.
  • Seahawks −8.5 at Commanders. This is the largest spread on the card, so Seattle gets the least room for a merely decent afternoon.
  • Patriots +2.5 at Jaguars. Yes, I’m a Patriots fan. I checked my pulse before putting them on the list. We get the points.

Six games, six separate picks. No combined ticket to turn one bad fourth quarter into a group project.

This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.

It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.

Please wager accordingly.

BUT WAIT There’s more