Five picks, no anchors and one Prius containing more unidentified scents than cup holders.
The Riff
Today’s column is a road-trip quickie because I am leaving Las Vegas early and driving to Bakersfield.
“Road-trip quickie” sounds considerably more exciting than what is actually happening.
There will be no romance.
There will be Interstate 15, gas-station coffee and several hours spent wondering whether the car ahead of me is ever going to pass the truck it has been following since Nevada.
I am not taking my Prius Prime. I am driving my daughter’s regular Prius, which means I have lost the ability to plug in but retained the experience of being passed aggressively by someone driving a lifted pickup truck.
There is also the added benefit of experiencing the NUMEROUS different scents a 20-year-old can create inside one car.
None of them are available as an air freshener.
For a reason.
The route takes me through Barstow, where every building appears to offer gasoline, beef jerky or an urgent opportunity to use the bathroom.
Sometimes all three.
Then it is onward to Bakersfield, where I am spending the night before continuing to Stanford on Monday. This makes Bakersfield less of a destination and more of an officially recognized place to stop moving.
The important thing is that today’s picks have already been researched and locked. There will be no frantic morning line shopping, no starting-pitcher investigation and no attempt to construct a round robin while carrying luggage to the car.
We tried ambition yesterday.
It went 3-4 and destroyed all ten combinations.
Today we are returning to five picks with no anchors because Memphis has temporarily ruined maritime equipment for everyone.
The picks will be traveling with me.
If the Bills cover, I will celebrate somewhere near Barstow.
If the Lions cover, I may permit myself the premium beef jerky.
If the Raiders fail at home, I will already be several hours away from Las Vegas and therefore outside the immediate emotional blast radius.
This is responsible gambling.
But different.
Now I need to pack, charge everything and spend twenty minutes looking for the one cable I placed somewhere sensible specifically so I would not lose it.
Road trip.
Quickie.
Let’s go.
Yesterday’s Autopsy
Yesterday went 3-4.
We expanded from four picks to seven because Friday’s 3-1 performance gave us the confidence of a hedge fund and the impulse control of a Labrador near an unattended sandwich.
Then Memphis +9.5, one of our two mandatory anchors, lost 38-20 to Boise State.
Memphis did not remain within nine and a half points. It did not remain within two touchdowns. Because it appeared in every five-team combination, the entire round robin was dead before the rotating picks could complete their paperwork.
The Nationals moneyline beat the Angels 6-5 in ten innings, so one anchor survived.
Unfortunately, anchors traditionally work in pairs.
North Texas +3.5 was the masterpiece, beating UNLV 44-6. I live in Las Vegas, publicly selected North Texas and may now be questioned at the city limits.
The Rangers moneyline also won, beating Arizona 6-2. Texas had lost 9-1 the previous night, and our theory that it had completed all necessary losing turned out to be legally sound.
The remaining picks entered the agricultural collapse.
Georgia Tech +12.5 lost 45-24 to Tennessee. Navy -4.5 lost outright to Florida Atlantic, 38-30. UAB -9.5 beat Louisiana-Monroe 26-20 but failed to cover, one of gambling’s finer bureaucratic distinctions.
Three winners.
Four losers.
Zero surviving combinations.
The Giant Scoreboard
ALL SPORTS: 1,065-1,088-7
TENNIS: 1-1
Who the hell bets on tennis?
Today’s Picks
We are responding with restraint, maturity and a five-pick round robin.
There will be no anchors.
Memphis has temporarily ruined maritime equipment for everyone.
We begin with the Bills -1.5 at Houston. The original line favored Houston by approximately a point and a half. Buffalo has since crossed through zero and become the favorite.
That is enough movement to get our attention.
The Lions -7 host New Orleans. Detroit was originally -7.5, so we now have the key number and protection against a seven-point victory.
We’re also taking the Raiders -3 at home against Miami. The earlier number was -3.5, and removing that half point gives us a considerably less irritating way to lose.
Baseball supplies the final two picks.
The Rays moneyline is approximately -143 against Houston, with Freddy Peralta scheduled against Hayden Wesneski.
The Padres moneyline is approximately -132 at San Francisco. Nick Pivetta is scheduled to face Logan Webb, but San Diego is 80-68 while the Giants are 62-87.
The Five
Bills -1.5
Lions -7
Raiders -3
Rays ML
Padres ML
Five picks.
One round robin.
No anchors.
The picks are packed, charged and traveling west.
Hopefully, they smell better than the car.
Bad Picks. Better Stories.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
