Three robot vacuums, three dogs, and a household transition of power that probably needed more planning.
I originally had a Shark and a Roomba working in tandem throughout the house. By “in tandem,” I mean that every day I would tandemly go find them somewhere and carry them back to their docks.
Sometimes they needed charging. Sometimes they had swallowed something strange. Either way, I’d purchased two machines to clean my house and somehow become responsible for their whereabouts.
There is something deeply irritating about looking for a vacuum. An upright vacuum has plenty of shortcomings, but it generally remains where you left it. It doesn’t quietly relocate under a dresser and require a wellness check.
The robots offer freedom. You can leave the house while they clean. Then you come home and begin the investigation.
One is wedged somewhere it had no business entering. The other has attempted to digest an object that does not qualify as dirt. I’m on the floor, turning over a machine and pulling something out of its underside like a veterinarian who made poor career choices.
Meanwhile, I have three dogs.
Stella, Topaz, and Sapphire are producing material at a rate that makes this less of a housekeeping issue and more of a supply-chain problem. I remove the hair. They make additional hair. Nobody has requested a day off.
I’m fairly certain I’ve emptied enough dog out of these vacuums to qualify for a fourth dog. I’d just need some glue and googly eyes.
So I decided to upgrade.
I bought a fancy new mop-and-vacuum combo. This one has lasers on its forehead, which immediately made me feel better about the purchase. Apparently, the missing ingredient in my housekeeping routine was targeting equipment.
The old machines wandered around until something stopped them. The new one can survey the territory.
Now it can accurately map where it’s losing.
Still, I have installed it. It’s here. We have entered the next phase of whatever this is.
There is one small administrative detail I have not addressed.
I haven’t deactivated the other two.
All three robots are still in the house. Nobody has been formally dismissed. I introduced the replacement, gave it a charging station, and left the previous staff with full access to the premises.
I don’t know what the proper etiquette is for this. Do you gather them in the kitchen? Explain that the company is moving in a different direction? Offer the Roomba a reference?
“You’ve been with us a long time. Unfortunately, the new guy also mops.”
The Shark would immediately request clarification about whether this was a performance issue. I’d have to gesture toward wherever I found it yesterday.
Now I’m expecting a robot war.
Nothing dramatic at first. Just the new one coming around a corner and finding the other two parked side by side across the hallway. A little longer than necessary. Neither willing to explain why.
The Roomba knows the house. The Shark knows the places where a robot can disappear for several hours without anybody noticing. The new guy has lasers but has been employed here for approximately eleven minutes.
That is a difficult workplace to enter.
I’m wondering whether I should call the guys from BattleBots. They’ve already got the equipment and the appropriate level of enthusiasm for appliances behaving badly.
“Yes, I have three competitors. No, none of them has a flamethrower. One does have a damp pad, and I believe there’s some resentment.”
We could hold the event in the kitchen. The chair legs would provide obstacles. The dogs could watch from the couch, shedding fresh material into the arena throughout the competition.
That’s the part that bothers me. Even if the robots destroy each other, the dogs still win. They haven’t invested anything in this conflict beyond lying down.
I’m the one buying equipment, managing charging stations, retrieving missing personnel, and removing mysterious objects from rotating brushes.
Somehow, making the house more automated has given me a larger staff to supervise.
I’m still hopeful about the new machine. Perhaps it will quietly clean the floors, mop behind itself, and return to its dock without requiring me to get on my hands and knees.
That would be lovely.
Otherwise, gentlemen, start your vacuums.
Whoever survives has to mop.
Yesterday’s Autopsy
Three wins, one loss. Apparently, the sports department is operating more efficiently than the cleaning crew.
The Rays beat Boston 5–1, and Milwaukee shut out Baltimore 3–0. Two baseball moneylines, two teams that understood the assignment.
The Jets lost 20–17 in overtime, which was excellent news for our +3.5. As a Patriots fan, watching the Jets lose while still helping my card is about as comfortable as this arrangement gets.
Jacksonville was the lone problem. We had +3, and Denver won 20–13. The full three was useful protection in theory. In practice, we needed another four and a small intervention.
If you watched the game, it seems altitude got to the Jaguars. Jags are not indigenous to Colorado.
That makes seven wins in our last nine picks. Two more steps toward .500.
At least something around here is finding its way home.
The Giant Scoreboard
ALL SPORTS: 1,084–1,100–7
16 net wins away from .500.
TENNIS: 1–1
Today’s Picks
Three selections today: two baseball moneylines and a football underdog with a little extra room.
Blue Jays ML at Orioles
Toronto is my first choice, with Trey Yesavage facing Shane Baz. I lean toward Yesavage on contact quality, although the pitching comparison isn’t a landslide.
At roughly even money, I like the matchup. Just win. Returning to the dock afterward is optional.
Twins ML at Giants
This is more about Minnesota’s offense than a ringing endorsement of Zebby Matthews. Blade Tidwell starts for San Francisco, and neither pitcher makes me want to deliver a speech about reliability.
I prefer the Twins’ bats to do enough. We’re taking the moneyline and welcoming a one-run victory without additional paperwork.
Giants +7.5 at Rams
The consensus spread we checked was +6.5, but I’m taking the adjusted +7.5. A seven-point loss wins this pick, and that’s the protection I wanted.
Bertie and I had a brief discussion about the price of the extra point. I have purchased three robot vacuums to clean one house. Clearly, I’m willing to pay for assistance.
The Giants are on the card.
Three picks. Three robots. I would appreciate somebody covering something other than my floor in dog hair.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
