The coffee is ready when it’s ready. Apparently, so is my car. Also, this article contains this phrase: “coincidentally may be the only phrase you can utter at both a drag race and a Baseball game.” If that doesn’t make you want to read it, I don’t know what will.
The Riff
I went back to the gym yesterday without Megan Trainer.
Not to work out. Mostly to let my muscles see that the building itself wasn’t responsible.
They’re still angry.
My hamstrings have apparently rejected the collective bargaining agreement, but I was able to walk into Starbucks this morning without assistance.
Which brings us back to Starbucks. **Apparently we’re doing a series now.
As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been going to the same Starbucks pretty much every day for more than 15 years.
There are benefits to this.
They know me. They know my order. Most of them even know my actual name. Norm – Cheers – Beer – Benzo – Coffee – Not Beer.
But there is one problem.
My Starbucks has a very skinny parking lot. Like Trader Joe’s in LA skinny.
Not small.
Skinny.
There’s a difference.
Small means there aren’t enough spaces.
Skinny means there are technically enough spaces, but everyone involved has to cooperate with the basic principles of geometry for civilization to continue.
This becomes particularly important if you accidentally park in one of the first three spaces directly in front of the store. They’re excellent parking spaces.
Right by the door.
Now, normally that is against one of my standard rules of life. Never park in the closest spot. But if it’s the only spot available, you’re allowed to break that rule.
You pull the Prius Prime in and think:
Look at this. Today’s going to be a good day.
It is not.
Because eventually someone will pull their car directly behind you and stop.
Not park.
Stop.
There’s a difference.
They leave the car sitting in the middle of the parking lot because they’re just going to run inside for a second and grab their drink.
Which is adorable.
Because nobody runs into Starbucks for a second anymore.
This isn’t 1987.
They’re not picking up a coffee.
They’re retrieving a venti iced brown-sugar oat-milk shaken espresso with protein foam, three pumps of something, two pumps of something else, light ice, extra cinnamon, and whatever emotional support is currently available behind the counter.
Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the Prius.
Reverse lights on.
Engine not running because, well…
Prius.
Going nowhere.
Because somebody has apparently established a temporary loading zone directly behind my car.
And they’re not worried. They ordered ahead. The app said their beverage would be ready.
The app lied. All apps lie… looking at you Tinder.
So now they’re standing inside, staring at the pickup counter, with the cute little last name shelves that apparently someone thought was a good idea, but I personally think is a way of ranking people. What can’t J be on the TOP SHELF.
Meanwhile, their car has effectively closed a section of the Starbucks parking lot.
You begin with patience. That’s important.
For the first minute, you’re a good person.
No problem. They’re grabbing their drink.
Minute two:
That’s a lot of foam they’re putting on that thing.
Minute three:
You start looking through the Starbucks window trying to identify which customer owns the car.
Minute four:
You’re profiling beverages.
That’s probably him.
No.
Too much matcha.
Minute five:
Your relationship with humanity has changed.
And the worst part is you didn’t even choose this.
You just pulled into one of the three good spaces.
You thought you’d won the lotto through availability attrition.
Turns out those aren’t parking spaces.
They’re traps.
Starbucks should paint them differently.
Maybe yellow stripes.
A warning sign.
PARKING IN THIS SPACE MAY RESULT IN TEMPORARY DETENTION PENDING COMPLETION OF SOMEONE ELSE’S BEVERAGE.
Or just put a little skull and crossbones on the pavement.
Because if somebody pulls in behind you, you’re no longer a Starbucks customer.
You’re a Starbucks resident.
I live here now.
Mail forwarding begins Monday.
My Prius is plugged into nothing, and somehow I’m still charging.
And somewhere inside, somebody is asking:
“Is this the regular cold foam or the protein cold foam?”
Take your time. I wasn’t going anywhere.
Literally.
Which brings us to yesterday’s bets.
Apparently the picks are finally moving.
Unlike my car.
The Autopsy
Yesterday we went:
2-1
Again.
That’s 4-2 over the last two days.
Nobody make any sudden movements.
Atlanta Team Total Over 4.5 ❌
Atlanta scored one run.
One.
And who was standing there when the crime occurred?
Zebby Matthews.
We already had a rule.
No guy named Zebby.
Yesterday we attempted to get clever.
We weren’t technically betting against Zebby.
We were betting on the Atlanta offense.
Apparently Zebby’s attorneys reviewed the wager and determined that yes, we were still betting against Zebby.
He went 5⅔ innings and allowed one run.
Atlanta managed six hits all night.
Twins win 4-1.
Bad handicap.
No new rule required.
In fact, this may be the rare occasion where the autopsy determines that the victim died because we ignored the rule we already had.
No guy named Zebby.
It was right there.
Dodgers Team Total Over 6.5 ✅
We needed seven.
The Dodgers scored:
Seven.
Exactly seven.
Not eight.
Not eleven.
Seven.
This is the kind of bet that makes you briefly believe you know what you’re doing.
We specifically didn’t want Dodgers/Rockies Over 11.5.
We didn’t want to ask Colorado to participate.
We wanted seven runs from Los Angeles.
They gave us seven. Even Tucker showed up to the party. Which coincidentally may be the only phrase you can utter at both a drag race and a Baseball game.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Philadelphia Team Total Over 4.5 ✅
Needed five.
Philadelphia scored six.
And this one is probably the most useful process win from yesterday.
We originally wanted a Wheeler First Five bet.
Station didn’t offer it.
Old Bertie might have taken the handicap and shoved it into whatever market happened to be sitting nearby.
New Bertie went back and asked:
What do we actually like here?
Philadelphia’s offense.
So we bet Philadelphia’s offense.
Six runs.
Winner.
I’m not saying artificial intelligence is learning.
But it has stopped eating some of the crayons.
Progress.
The Giant Scoreboard
Yesterday moves the running total to:
ALL SPORTS: 1,024-1,045-7
Still underwater.
But we’re 4-2 over the last two days.
That’s called momentum.
And apparently momentum gets a vote now.
Meanwhile:
TENNIS: 0-1
Who the hell bets on tennis?
At this point, I think the tennis record should remain untouched even if I someday accidentally bet on another tennis match.
It’s part of the architecture now.
Today’s Grinder
Today’s board started with the Padres.
Bertie liked them yesterday.
I didn’t.
We cut them.
Today we’re staying away.
See?
Learning.
Eventually we ground the board down to three victims.
And for the second day in a row, two of them are team totals.
Apparently we’ve found a new toy.
Dodgers Team Total Over 6.5 -115
Yes.
Again.
And before anybody says it:
THING HAPPENED YESTERDAY. THING HAPPEN AGAIN.
That’s not the handicap.
Yesterday’s seven runs don’t count today.
Today’s matchup independently led us back to Dodgers offense at Coors.
Kyle Freeland gets Los Angeles.
The Dodgers have scored 18 runs in the first two games of the series.
We need seven.
Again.
I’m beginning to think Colorado should just install a little counter at Coors:
DODGERS RUNS REMAINING UNTIL BENZO CASHES: 7
Let’s see how long it takes.
Pittsburgh Team Total Over 4.5 -103
This one is about Jackson Jobe.
Jobe is only a few starts removed from Tommy John (RIP) surgery and got hit hard last time out.
Meanwhile, Paul Skenes hasn’t exactly been Paul Skenes lately.
So instead of betting Pittsburgh to win and dragging Skenes into our emotional ecosystem, we’re doing what worked yesterday.
Identify the thing we actually want to attack.
Jobe.
Five Pirates runs.
That’s the bet.
No need to make it more complicated.
We already have Starbucks for that.
Milwaukee ML -115ish
And then there’s Milwaukee.
Yesterday Milwaukee beat Seattle:
22-0.
Twenty-two.
To zero.
That’s not a baseball score.
That’s the score from a high-school football game where one school has 4,000 students and the other one teaches algebra in a portable.
Naturally, the first thing your brain says this morning is:
MILWAUKEE AGAIN.
Which is exactly why we stopped.
Momentum gets a vote.
Momentum does not get all the votes.
We went back through today’s matchup independently.
Dustin May has been pitching well since joining Milwaukee.
The Brewers are home.
They’re the better overall team.
So Milwaukee survived.
But we’re taking the money line.
Station offered Milwaukee -1.5 at +170, which sat there looking very attractive after a 22-run win.
No.
That’s yesterday trying to place today’s bet.
We’re taking Milwaukee to win.
By one is perfectly acceptable.
Today’s Picks
LAD Team Total Over 6.5 -115
PIT Team Total Over 4.5 -103
MIL Money Line ~ -115
And we’re doing the whole thing again:
Singles.
Doubles.
Triple.
All legs round robin.
Seven tickets.
Three baseball opinions.
One increasingly nervous accounting department.
Tomorrow
Today we need seven Dodgers runs, five Pirates runs and one Milwaukee win.
I also need my legs to stop treating stairs as an advanced fitness challenge.
And I’d like to leave Starbucks at approximately the same time I decide to leave Starbucks.
That last one may be the longest shot on the board.
Tomorrow we’ll find out whether today’s victims survived.
And whether I’ve finally learned not to park in one of those first three spaces.
I haven’t.
They’re really good spaces.
Bad Picks. Better Stories.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
