Years ago, I used to write something called Ersatz Reviews.
They were movie reviews in the same way Taco Bell is Mexican food.
There was technically a movie involved.
The formula was pretty simple: briefly explain the movie, drift into a story slightly related to the movie that may or may not have happened exactly as described, then eventually remember there was a movie and tell you whether I liked it.
The governing principle was:
When the truth is boring, embellish.
So, after a long absence…
THE ERSATZ REVIEW
Coyote vs. Acme
The fact that I actually watched Coyote vs. Acme yesterday is something of a miracle.
Warner Bros. finished the movie in 2023 for roughly $70 million and then decided it would rather take a tax write-off than release it. The completed movie was basically dropped off a cliff, followed by an anvil, which admittedly feels like an extremely authentic way to treat Wile E. Coyote.
People got pissed.
Filmmakers got pissed.
Fans got pissed.
I was slightly pissed, but not so pissed that I was going to fire off a letter to Zaslav or an Ellison. Do they even know HOW to read?
Eventually Warner Bros. put the movie up for sale, and Ketchup Entertainment bought it for about $50 million, meaning a movie about Wile E. Coyote fighting a giant corporation that treats him as disposable was rescued from a giant corporation that treated the movie as disposable.
You really couldn’t have written a better marketing campaign.
The actual movie has Wile E. Coyote finally realizing the problem might not be him.
Maybe it’s ACME.
After decades of rockets exploding underneath him, anvils falling on him and products generally behaving in ways not covered by even the loosest interpretation of a warranty, Wile E. hires a lawyer and sues ACME for defective merchandise. Will Forte plays his attorney. John Cena represents ACME. What follows is essentially a Looney Tunes courtroom comedy about corporate greed, product liability, and consumer exploitation.
And I liked it.
A lot.
But I have one question.
Who exactly is this movie for?
Because I kept looking around the theater at the kids.
Nobody seemed particularly concerned about corporate consolidation.
I didn’t hear a single child lean toward their father and whisper:
“Daddy, can you explain the corrosive effects of unchecked corporate power on consumer choice?”
Nothing.
Not one:
“Mommy, what’s product liability?”
Not even:
“Why hasn’t Congress strengthened consumer-protection laws?”
Frankly, the children disappointed me. CCSD has miles to go.
The girl sitting immediately to my right was particularly unconcerned with ACME’s questionable business practices.
She had discovered something much more important.
Her straw.
About halfway through the movie, she apparently learned that if you moved the straw through the plastic lid at precisely the correct angle, it produced a squeak.
Not just any squeak.
This was a sound somewhere between a dolphin asking for help and the Emergency Broadcast System announcing that Utah had disappeared.
SQUEAK.
Pause.
SQUEAK.
At first, I was annoyed.
Then she started experimenting.
Short squeak.
Long squeak.
Two quick squeaks.
A little vibrato.
And I realized what was happening.
I was witnessing the birth of an artist.
Her parents had probably tried everything.
Piano?
Didn’t take.
Violin?
Too conventional.
Clarinet?
She wasn’t ready.
Then one Sunday afternoon she walked into a movie theater, ordered a medium Coke and found her Stradivarius.
By the third act, I wasn’t even annoyed anymore.
I was watching the Squeaking Straw Symphony in C Minor.
There were movements.
There were themes.
There may have been an encore.
Someday she’ll play Carnegie Hall.
People will ask where it all started.
She’ll stare wistfully into the middle distance and say:
“Theater 10.”
“Row B.”
“During Coyote vs. Acme. at the Red Rock Casino Regal Cinema”
And somewhere I’ll be sitting at home yelling at another baseball under:
I WAS THERE.
Anyway.
Coyote vs. Acme.
I really liked it.
It’s funny. It’s clever. The animation works. Will Forte is Will Forte. John Cena understands exactly what movie he’s in. Martha Kelly absolutely STEALS the film with some wonderful lines that I wish I had written. It also contains a brilliant sequence with a DJ Shadow song (no spoiler) that fits sooooooo perfectly if you know the song.
Lastly, there’s something wonderfully appropriate about Wile E. Coyote finally realizing that after 75 years of being crushed, burned, flattened, launched, and exploded, perhaps he should consult an attorney.
I just don’t know how much of the movie lands with an eight-year-old.
Adults who grew up with Wile E. Coyote will probably get considerably more out of a courtroom satire about defective merchandise and corporate greed than the children sitting beside them.
The children have other interests.
Some of them are apparently in the arts.
Ersatz Verdict: YAY.
Highly recommended for adults, Gen X, Boomers, Boomies, older kids, consumer-protection attorneys, and anyone willing to sit at least three seats away from the concession stand’s woodwind section.
Go see it, and let’s hope that Ketchup makes back that $50 million and shows the Warner Brothers Goons that art triumphs over tax write-offs.
Yesterday’s Autopsy
Apparently all we needed to do was stop being clever.
After three days of going 1-8, yesterday we took:
Cleveland ML -174.
Dodgers ML -303.
No run lines.
No first five.
No team totals.
No elaborate wrapper designed to turn the team we thought would win into a bet that could somehow lose while they were winning.
And…
2-0.
CLEVELAND ML -174 ✅
Guardians 7, Rockies 2.
Cleveland scored three in the first.
Two more in the second.
Five-nothing.
It was almost disorienting.
I had forgotten gambling was allowed to feel like this.
Tomoyuki Sugano was exactly the pitcher we wanted to attack. Foster Griffin gave Cleveland five perfectly serviceable innings, and the bullpen handled the rest.
Good handicap. Simple bet. Winner.
DODGERS ML -303 ✅
Dodgers 4, Pirates 0.
We stared directly at:
Dodgers -2.5 +102.
And refused.
We’re getting off the schnide.
We’re not being clever.
We’re not turning Dodgers win into Dodgers must win by three because plus money makes Benzo’s pants tingle.
Just win.
Blake Snell threw six scoreless innings.
The bullpen finished it.
Dodgers won by four.
Which means, naturally, the -2.5 would’ve cashed too.
Fine.
I still like the decision.
Good handicap. Correct wrapper. Winner.
There is, however, a small administrative matter I need to disclose.
Yesterday Bertie took away my sharp objects and gave me two boring moneyline favorites.
I immediately went behind her back and parlayed both run lines.
That won too.
Apparently the secret to sports wagering is for Bertie to tell me specifically what not to do, and then for me to do a slightly more irresponsible version of it.
That doesn’t go on the official record.
That’s the Unauthorized Benzo After Dark Division.
The model went 2-0.
The idiot operating the model went 1-0 off-book.
Everybody contributed.
THE GIANT SCOREBOARD
The official record moves to:
ALL SPORTS: 1,027-1,056-7
The schnide is dead.
And our most carefully protected record remains:
TENNIS: 0-1
Who the hell bets on tennis?
TODAY’S GRINDER
Yesterday reminded us of something embarrassingly simple:
Figure out who should win first.
Then decide how to bet it.
Not the other way around.
So we started today with Philadelphia, Tampa Bay, the Cubs and Cleveland.
Philadelphia looked great at first.
Zack Wheeler.
Nine straight wins.
Reasonable price.
Then we did the second grind.
Wheeler’s recent trajectory wasn’t nearly as pretty as the season numbers, and Seattle had Logan Gilbert.
Remember our notebook?
Recent starter trajectory gets a vote.
It voted no.
Philadelphia left the room.
The Cubs never made a strong enough case.
Cleveland didn’t get yesterday’s pick grandfathered into today’s card just because they behaved themselves.
That left Tampa Bay.
Then we checked the WNBA.
Minnesota is excellent.
Didn’t need it.
Atlanta?
Different story.
TODAY’S PICKS
⚾ TAMPA BAY ML ~ -140
Drew Rasmussen gets Detroit.
Detroit has been sliding.
Rasmussen has been good.
And unlike some of the narrative-driven handicaps that helped bury us during the 1-8 stretch, there’s an actual pitching and matchup case underneath this one.
No wrapper.
Tampa Bay wins the baseball game.
That’s the bet.
🏀 ATLANTA DREAM ML ~ -480
Yes.
Minus four hundred and something.
Again.
I know.
Atlanta is 24-13.
Los Angeles is 13-24.
And Atlanta just played this same Sparks team in this same building four days ago.
Final score:
Atlanta 124.
Los Angeles 88.
Thirty-six points.
Could we take Atlanta -9.5 and make the price considerably prettier?
Absolutely.
We’re not.
Yesterday we learned that ugly prices can still be beautiful if they eliminate unnecessary ways for us to lose.
Atlanta wins the basketball game.
That’s it.
Two picks again.
No third chair.
No engineering project.
No need to turn a perfectly good winner into something involving half-runs, alternate spreads and a blood sacrifice.
Just win.
Although if both teams win by 20 and I wander off unsupervised again…
Bertie already knows she has no actual authority here. She is the Coyote. I am Acme. Can I interest you in an extremely large animated mallet?
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
