I saw this on a car the other day.
“DON’T PARK TOO CLOSE. I’M CHUNKY.”
And I have questions.
First, I appreciate the warning.
Most vehicles give you useful information like Baby on Board, Student Driver, a tattered American Flag, or one of those little family stickers that tells burglars exactly how many people and pets live in your house.
This person went with:
I’m chunky. Plan accordingly.
I respect the specificity.
But now I need to know how this system works.
How much additional clearance are we requesting?
Six inches?
Two feet?
Do we measure from the door or directly from the chunky?
Is there an official government chart?
COMPACT: 18 inches
MIDSIZE: 24 inches
CHUNKY: Leave room for activities
And more importantly, what happens if I ignore the warning?
Because that sticker doesn’t say please don’t park too close.
It says:
DON’T PARK TOO CLOSE.
There’s an implied consequence here.
Maybe they just can’t get into the car.
Maybe I come back and my passenger door has been folded into the glove compartment.
Either way, I admire somebody who has identified a personal limitation and turned it into parking-lot infrastructure.
No shame.
No apology.
Just:
I’m chunky.
You have been notified.
Yesterday’s Sports Mess
We went 1-2.
Again.
That’s three consecutive 1-2 days, which at some point stops being a coincidence and starts becoming a subscription service.
I am the Pluto TV of sports wagering. Old Love Boat episodes and many other shows featuring Norman Fell.
⚾ MIAMI MARLINS ML ❌
This was supposed to be the clean one.
Eury Pérez against Jackson Kent.
Pérez entered with the good numbers.
Kent entered with an 8.03 ERA.
So naturally:
Washington 9. Miami 2.
Pérez lasted three innings and allowed five earned runs.
Kent went seven innings and allowed one.
Because baseball occasionally takes your spreadsheet, folds it into a paper airplane and throws it directly into traffic.
The third inning was the disaster.
Pérez walked the first three hitters.
Washington scored twice on a wild pitch.
Then Brady House hit a three-run homer.
Five runs.
Goodnight.
Yesterday we called this the cleanest starting-pitching advantage on the board.
It was.
For Washington.
Clean miss.
⚾ LOS ANGELES DODGERS -1.5 ❌
This one is going directly into the handbook.
Dodgers 2. Tigers 1.
We picked the right team.
They won.
Our bet lost.
Tarik Skubal did exactly what we wanted.
Six innings.
One earned run.
Seven strikeouts.
No walks.
The Dodgers even won the baseball game.
Unfortunately, we decided the moneyline was too expensive and went searching for value.
Then Los Angeles left 15 runners on base.
Fifteen.
That’s not runners left on base.
That’s a small tour group.
Yesterday we said:
Find the edge first. Pick the market second. Know your value.
We found the edge.
We picked the wrong market.
This is important.
Knowing your value doesn’t mean turning every ugly price into a prettier bet.
Sometimes the ugly price is ugly because it’s the correct bet.
Right team. Wrong market.
⚾ MILWAUKEE BREWERS ML ✅
And then there was our boring, expensive bet.
Milwaukee 6. Texas 1.
Logan Henderson went seven innings.
One hit.
One run.
No walks.
Seven strikeouts.
Milwaukee scored twice in the first and never trailed.
Yesterday we basically said:
This isn’t sexy.
This isn’t cheap.
We just think Milwaukee wins.
Milwaukee won.
Turns out boring and chunky can be wonderful.
No notes.
THE GIANT SCOREBOARD
Another 1-2 moves us to:
ALL SPORTS: 1,032-1,065-7
And our recent adventure is now:
1-8 → 4-0 → 0-3 → 1-2 → 1-2 → 1-2
Three straight 1-2 days.
Consistency!
Not useful consistency.
But consistency.
Meanwhile:
TENNIS: 0-1
Still sitting there.
Untouched.
Like a museum exhibit dedicated to poor judgment or a Kennedy Center that somehow needed more letters on the facade.
TODAY’S GRINDER
Yesterday taught us something useful.
Again.
Our problem with the Dodgers wasn’t identifying the winner.
We identified the winner.
Our problem was deciding that -175 or -220 or whatever ugly number was sitting there offended our delicate gambling sensibilities, so we manufactured a different bet.
The Dodgers won.
We lost.
Therefore today’s slightly revised rule is:
Find the edge first. Pick the market second. Price third.
Which brings us to three moneylines.
Nothing exotic.
Nobody needs to win by two.
Nobody needs to be ahead after exactly five innings.
Just win the baseball game.
⚾ PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES ML
Cristopher Sánchez against Ryan Johnson.
This is today’s cleanest starting-pitching advantage.
Sánchez has been excellent.
Johnson has not.
Philadelphia also comes into this after stealing yesterday’s game late, while the Angels have been heading in the opposite direction.
There are probably prettier prices somewhere on the board.
I don’t care.
Yesterday we learned what happens when we take a strong opinion and start decorating it.
Phillies ML.
Just win.
⚾ LOS ANGELES DODGERS ML
Hello again.
Yesterday the Dodgers won 2-1.
And we lost.
Today we’re going to attempt something revolutionary.
If we think the Dodgers are going to win…
We’re going to bet on the Dodgers to win.
Blake Snell gets the ball against Keider Montero.
Keider. Kiefer was better on 24.
Snell has been excellent since returning, and the Dodgers have already taken the first two games in Detroit.
The price isn’t beautiful.
Neither is that chunky parking sticker.
Sometimes beauty isn’t the point. Acknowledgment is.
Yesterday’s Dodgers ticket is still sitting on the autopsy table, reminding us:
Right team. Wrong market.
Not today.
Snellzilla will give us the day!
Dodgers ML.
⚾ TAMPA BAY RAYS ML
Nick Martinez against Walker Buehler.
Martinez gives Tampa the starting-pitching advantage on paper.
The Rays are at home.
And Tampa put nine runs on San Diego yesterday.
This isn’t as strong as Philadelphia.
It isn’t as comfortable as Los Angeles.
But it survived the grinder.
And we’re not asking Tampa to do anything complicated.
No run line.
No first five.
No interpretive dance.
Just Walker doing Walker things.
Win the baseball game.
Rays ML.
TODAY’S PICKS
⚾ PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES ML
⚾ LOS ANGELES DODGERS ML
⚾ TAMPA BAY RAYS ML
Three teams.
Three moneylines.
The round robin is in.
And for once, we’ve constructed a betting card with instructions simple enough to fit on a parking sticker:
DON’T LOSE.
Maybe we should have those printed.
Right underneath:
I’M CHUNKY.
Today’s revised rule:
Find the edge first. Pick the market second. Price third.
Because yesterday we correctly picked a baseball team to win and then found a creative way to lose money when they did.
Let’s not do that again.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
