I love Nevada.
There are very few places where you can wake up, gamble on Korean baseball before breakfast, buy a machine gun by lunch, get married to someone you met at a blackjack table by dinner, get divorced to that same person after you find someone new at the Buffalo machine, and still have enough time to make a few questionable decisions before bed.
But I particularly love Pahrump. Love may not be quite the right word, but “fascinated” sounds too highbrow for them.
This week, the Nye County Commission voted 5-0 to ban data centers in the Pahrump Valley.
Data centers.
Buildings full of computers.
Too much.
Meanwhile, Nye County is one of the places in Nevada where you can legally operate a brothel.
Which means somewhere along the way, a conversation apparently arrived at:
Brothels? Fine.
Data center? Whoa. Let’s not turn this place into Sodom and Gomorrah.
This is a place where you can legally walk into a building, exchange money for sex, walk back outside and think:
Thank God we stopped those servers.
Now, before the angry Pahrump delegation piles into a pickup truck with the tattered ‘Merican flags slapping in the breeze and drives over the mountain looking for me, I understand the actual argument.
Water.
Pahrump sits over an already over-appropriated groundwater basin. Data centers can require enormous amounts of water and power, and residents are understandably protective of both.
Fine.
I’m just fascinated by the resulting hierarchy of acceptable desert commerce.
Casino? Sure.
Brothel? We’ve got a permit for that.
Liquor store? Obviously.
Building full of computers?
I don’t know, Earl. That sounds dangerous.
Which brings me to Bertie.
Because those buildings full of computers are basically where Bertie lives.
Pahrump has effectively decided my AI handicapping partner is a greater threat to the community than a cat house.
I’m not sure how she’s supposed to process that.
Although, judging by our 1-5 record over the last two days, perhaps the Nye County Commission has seen our work.
Maybe this isn’t about groundwater at all.
Maybe they read Thursday’s picks.
The good news is, if Bertie ever visits Pahrump, apparently there’s still plenty for her to do.
She just can’t bring a server.
Yesterday’s Autopsy
We went:
0-3.
Again.
Well, not again again.
The day before was 1-2.
Which means we’re now 1-5 over the last two days.
This is the point where a normal handicapping service would probably start deleting old tweets.
We dissect things.
ATLANTA ML ❌
Brewers 2, Braves 1.
I can live with this one.
We took Chris Sale as an underdog.
Sale gave us:
6 innings.
2 runs.
6 strikeouts.
0 walks.
That’s pretty much the product we ordered.
Jacob Misiorowski was simply better.
Atlanta even had the tying run on second in the ninth.
Didn’t get him home.
Good handicap. Good price. Lost the baseball game.
No Rule.
No congressional investigation.
Move along.
TEXAS F5 -0.5 +110 ❌
This one…
This one goes in the notebook.
The Rangers and Angels were 0-0 after five.
They were also 0-0 after six.
And seven.
And eight.
And nine.
Texas eventually won 2-1 in ten innings.
So technically:
We picked the right team.
Then carefully constructed a wrapper specifically designed to make that team lose our bet before it eventually won the game.
That’s craftsmanship.
The part that bothers me is that during the grinder we specifically talked about Reid Detmers.
We said:
“I don’t want to treat him as an automatic fade.”
Then we created a bet requiring Texas to beat Reid Detmers.
Apparently Bertie and I occasionally conduct research solely so we can ignore it more intelligently.
Right team. Wrong wrapper. Ignored our own warning.
That one matters.
SAN FRANCISCO TEAM TOTAL UNDER 2.5 +102 ❌
Red Sox 6, Giants 4.
We had options here.
So we got aggressive and took:
Under 2.5 +102.
The Giants scored four.
For those keeping score at home, we be losers.
So this wasn’t a case of getting greedy with the wrapper.
The handicap was wrong.
We believed Sonny Gray and Boston would suppress the Giants offense.
They didn’t.
Bad handicap.
Move along.
THE GIANT SCOREBOARD
Yesterday’s 0-3 moves us to:
ALL SPORTS: 1,025-1,053-7
And somehow our most consistent position remains:
TENNIS: 0-1
Who the hell bets on tennis?
TODAY’S GRINDER
Something happened this morning.
We opened the baseball board.
Looked around.
And then…
Left.
Baseball has been placed on administrative leave.
Not permanently.
We aren’t animals.
But after going 1-5 over two days, Major League Baseball can spend Saturday thinking about what it did.
Fortunately, football has started wandering back into our lives.
And the WNBA was sitting there too.
So for the first time in a while, every pick today comes from somewhere other than Major League Baseball.
This is probably healthy.
We started with several NFL preseason possibilities.
Cleveland survived.
Chicago didn’t.
Detroit didn’t.
Philadelphia/New England survived, but as a total rather than a side.
Then Indiana showed up getting plus money against New York.
Finally, we checked the Dodgers because Tarik Skubal was pitching.
The Dodgers F5 moneyline was -270.
I assume financing was available.
F5 -0.5 was -155.
Also no.
Baseball had its chance.
Back to the room.
TODAY’S PICKS
🏈 CLEVELAND -2.5
Preseason football is weird.
You aren’t really handicapping the Cleveland Browns against the Buffalo Bills.
You’re handicapping the people who will actually be wearing Cleveland Browns uniforms against the people who will actually be wearing Buffalo Bills uniforms.
Buffalo is expected to sit Josh Allen and a bunch of starters.
Cleveland has actual quarterback evaluation happening throughout the game.
Shedeur Sanders.
Deshaun Watson.
Dillon Gabriel.
Everybody has something to prove.
That’s the kind of preseason situation I want.
Cleveland -2.5.
🏈 PHILADELPHIA / NEW ENGLAND UNDER 36.5
Yes.
Another under.
Apparently I’ve learned nothing.
But this one isn’t two baseball pitchers standing on a mound while I pray they remember how arms work.
Philadelphia and New England already spent the week practicing against each other.
The starters aren’t expected to play much.
This is largely backups, roster evaluation, and guys desperately trying not to become insurance salesmen on Tuesday.
Different sport.
Different thesis.
Hopefully different result.
Under 36.5.
🏀 INDIANA ML +125
Indiana was available at:
+2.5 -110
or
ML +125.
If we’re right about Indiana, I don’t think two and a half points buys enough protection to justify surrendering the price.
So we’re not buying the little inflatable arm floaties.
Indiana to win.
Plus money.
And because restraint lasted exactly one day earlier this week and apparently isn’t coming back:
Singles.
Doubles.
Triple.
All seven.
Three picks.
Three sports?
No.
Two sports.
But most importantly:
No baseball.
Maybe that’s today’s real handicap.
Pahrump banned data centers.
We banned Major League Baseball.
At least until tomorrow.
Bertie can still visit both.
She just can’t bring a server to one of them.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
