I’m going on a road trip tomorrow, which means eventually I will find myself standing in front of one of these.
POSITIVELY WAFFLEICIOUS.
Every non-luxury hotel in America has this machine.
I am non-luxury.
I don’t know who makes them. I don’t know where they come from. I don’t even know if hotels purchase them or if they’re simply issued one when the building receives its occupancy permit.
Fire extinguishers.
EXIT signs.
Ice machine that sounds like it’s digesting a Meat Lovers Pizza with extra meat.
Waffle machine.
And every morning, somebody walks up to it and behaves as though they’ve never encountered electricity.
There’s a line forming behind them.
They’re holding the little cup of batter.
They’re reading the instructions.
“Pour batter onto grid.”
Gary, you’re 58 years old. We’re not landing the space shuttle. Pour the batter. Close the lid.
And then comes the flip.
Everybody knows you’re supposed to flip it.
Nobody is completely confident about when you’re supposed to flip it.
So you grab the handle, and suddenly breakfast has become performance art.
Six strangers are standing behind you, watching.
Did he flip too early?
Was that too aggressive?
Did he lock it?
Does it lock?
Should I help?
Nobody helps.
This is hotel breakfast. We have rules.
Then the timer starts.
Now you’ve committed.
There’s no turning back.
Eventually:
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
And you’d better get over there because that alarm isn’t just telling you the waffle is ready.
It’s announcing to the entire hotel:
GARY. YOUR WAFFLE.
Also, Waffleicious is doing a tremendous amount of work here.
Nobody has ever eaten a hotel breakfast waffle and thought:
This is positively waffleicious.
It’s good.
It’s free.
I’ve put enough syrup on it that structural integrity is becoming an issue.
Let’s not give it a Michelin star.
Tomorrow I’ll be on the road. Along the way, I’ll probably encounter another one of these machines. Different hotel. Different city. Same batter dispenser. Same rotating iron. Same guy staring at the instructions while seven people wait behind him.
And I’ll know I’m still in America.
I’m having the rehydrated scrambled eggs.
Positively Waffleicious.
Yesterday’s Sports Mess
Would you look at that.
We went 2-1.
After three consecutive 1-2 days, this qualifies as an economic recovery.
Nobody ring the bell. Nobody release balloons. Don’t cancel the tariffs or rename lakes.
But somebody may cautiously remove the plywood from one window.
⚾ PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES ML ✅
Phillies 4. Angels 2 in 10 innings.
Cristopher Sánchez was exactly what we thought he would be.
Seven innings.
Two hits.
No runs.
Eight strikeouts.
He even collected his 200th strikeout of the season.
The Phillies rewarded this performance by scoring one run for him and eventually requiring extra innings.
Because apparently “just win the baseball game” was still too complicated.
But they did.
Kyle Schwarber and Trea Turner helped finish it in the tenth, and our cleanest starting-pitching edge of the day eventually became a win.
Not comfortably.
Not efficiently.
But nobody asks whether the waffle was pretty once you’ve drowned it in syrup.
Phillies ML. Win.
⚾ LOS ANGELES DODGERS ML ❌
Tigers 2. Dodgers 1.
This one bothers me.
Friday we picked the Dodgers -1.5.
They won 2-1.
We lost.
So yesterday we learned our lesson.
We took the moneyline.
They lost 2-1.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Blake Snell wasn’t the problem.
Five innings.
One run.
Ten strikeouts.
The Dodgers tied the game in the sixth and then Detroit walked them off in the ninth.
More importantly, Los Angeles has now scored one run in three consecutive games.
One.
One.
One.
That’s not an offense.
That’s the beginning of a very boring combination lock.
And this is different from Friday.
Friday was:
Right team. Wrong market.
Yesterday we fixed the market.
The team failed.
That matters.
Which brings us to an uncomfortable question:
At what point does “the Dodgers are the better team” stop being an edge when the Dodgers have apparently misplaced home plate?
We’ll get back to them.
Because apparently I enjoy touching the stove.
⚾ TAMPA BAY RAYS ML ✅
Rays 7. Padres 6.
This game was drunk.
Tampa led.
San Diego came back.
The Padres eventually went up 6-3 in the seventh.
And then Tampa scored four in the bottom of the inning.
Seven runs.
Lead changes.
Bullpen nonsense.
General baseball debris everywhere.
Nick Martinez gave us six innings and allowed three runs, and Tampa survived the part of the game where every spreadsheet becomes decorative.
Was this our cleanest win?
Absolutely not.
Did the moneyline cash?
Positively Waffleicious.
THE GIANT SCOREBOARD
A 2-1 day moves the giant monstrosity to:
ALL SPORTS: 1,034-1,066-7
Our recent adventure:
1-8 → 4-0 → 0-3 → 1-2 → 1-2 → 1-2 → 2-1
Look at that little 2-1 sitting there.
Growth.
Meanwhile:
TENNIS: 0-1
Still untouched.
Still preserved.
At this point, I’m afraid if we bet another tennis match, we’ll disturb the exhibit. Also, at this point it’s likely “Tennis 0-1” will be etched on my tombstone along with “Oops, I screwed that up, can I get a do-over?”
TODAY’S GRINDER
Yesterday gave us another useful distinction.
Friday, we correctly identified the Dodgers as the winning team and screwed up the market.
Saturday, we correctly chose the market and the Dodgers screwed up being the winning team.
These are different problems.
So the rule remains:
Find the edge first. Pick the market second. Price third.
And today we’ve found four.
Yes.
Four.
⚾ TAMPA BAY RAYS ML
Drew Rasmussen against Robbie Ray.
This is probably my favorite of the four.
Rasmussen has been excellent.
Tampa has already taken the first two games from San Diego.
The Rays are at home, they’re playing good baseball, and the starting-pitching matchup gives us another reason to stay with them.
Yesterday Tampa made us watch a 6-3 deficit turn into a 7-6 win.
I’d prefer fewer recreational heart attacks today.
Rays ML.
⚾ MILWAUKEE BREWERS ML
This isn’t really a starting-pitcher bet.
Dustin May against Kumar Rocker doesn’t exactly make me want to run through a wall.
This is a team bet.
Milwaukee has won four straight.
Texas has lost four straight.
The Brewers have been the better team, have the better bullpen profile, and we’re not asking them to cover anything.
No decorating.
No searching for a prettier market.
Brewers ML.
Boring worked two days ago.
Let’s be boring again.
⚾ PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES ML
We’re going back.
Zack Wheeler against Yusei Kikuchi.
Wheeler has been Wheeler.
Kikuchi has been considerably less Wheeler.
Philadelphia has won 12 of 14.
The Angels have lost six straight.
The price is ugly.
I acknowledge the ugliness.
Then I move on with my life.
Because we literally created a rule two days ago specifically to stop ourselves from taking a good handicap and turning it into an arts-and-crafts project.
Phillies ML.
Just win again.
Preferably in nine innings this time.
⚾ LOS ANGELES DODGERS ML
Yes.
I know.
I just spent several paragraphs explaining that the Dodgers have scored exactly one run in three consecutive games.
And now they’re back.
My model.
My rules.
Today it’s Tyler Glasnow against Framber Valdez.
Glasnow is the reason we’re staying.
The Dodgers offense has been terrible.
That’s not hidden.
That’s not being hand-waved away.
It’s the risk we’re accepting.
I think Glasnow whips the horse today.
I don’t entirely know what that means.
But I said it, and now it’s part of the handicap.
If the Dodgers score one run for a fourth consecutive day, tomorrow’s autopsy is basically already written.
I thought Glasnow would whip the horse.
The horse apparently had other plans.
But we’re not there yet.
Dodgers ML.
TODAY’S PICKS
⚾ TAMPA BAY RAYS ML
⚾ MILWAUKEE BREWERS ML
⚾ PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES ML
⚾ LOS ANGELES DODGERS ML
Four teams.
Four moneylines.
No run lines.
No first-five gymnastics.
No interpretive dance.
Just win.
Today’s rule remains:
Find the edge first. Pick the market second. Price third.
And if everything goes wrong, tomorrow morning I’ll be somewhere on a road trip, standing behind Gary while he reads the waffle-machine instructions for the fourth time.
Honestly, that may be safer than sports wagering.
This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.
It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.
Please wager accordingly.
