Yesterday NASA launched the Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope.

And before we discuss dark matter, dark energy, exoplanets or the fundamental structure of the universe, I would like to discuss the most scientifically improbable part of this entire mission.

They launched it nine months ahead of schedule.

NASA.

The government.

Nine months early.

I have things on my to-do list that were supposed to be finished during the Biden administration.

Apparently NASA looked at a project involving a giant telescope, Elon, a rocket and a million-mile journey through space and said:

You know what? We can probably knock this out early.

Meanwhile, I have a load of laundry that’s been in the dryer since Thursday.

The telescope is named after Nancy Grace Roman, NASA’s first chief astronomer and the woman often called the “mother of Hubble.”

Which already makes her considerably more accomplished than anyone I’ve ever met at a hotel waffle machine.

Incidentally, I encounter the hotel waffle machine tomorrow morning.

If it isn’t epic, I will sob.

Roman has a mirror about the same size as Hubble’s, but it can see an area of the sky at least 100 times larger.

In other words, it’s roughly the size of the mirror Kim Kardashian uses to check her butt.

Hubble has spent decades taking gorgeous, carefully framed portraits of the universe.

So has Kim.

Roman shows up and basically says:

Everybody squeeze in.

It’s the panoramic setting of space telescopes. And they are in “M Mode.” (Some jokes are just for photographers.)

The thing launched aboard a SpaceX Falcon Heavy, which means Elon Musk successfully helped send a telescope into space designed to study things we cannot see.

I’m going to leave that sentence sitting there.

Sometimes the jokes arrive preassembled.

Roman is now headed roughly one million miles away to a place called the Sun-Earth L2 point, where it will spend its time looking for dark energy, dark matter, black holes, distant galaxies and potentially tens of thousands of planets outside our solar system.

This is where science becomes wonderful to me.

Scientists currently believe that the overwhelming majority of the universe is made of dark matter and dark energy.

We know they’re there.

We can see what they apparently do.

But we don’t really know what they are.

Which means humanity has essentially surveyed the universe and concluded:

Most of this is something.

What something?

We’re working on it.

So naturally, we built a gigantic camera and fired it a million miles into space.

And I support this completely.

Because somewhere out there, Roman might discover another Earth.

Another solar system.

Maybe even another civilization.

And if there is intelligent life out there, I hope Roman eventually finds it.

Mostly because I’d like to know if they figured any of this out.

And also whether their hotel waffle machines have instructions.

Yesterday’s Sports Mess

Speaking of exploring things we don’t completely understand:

Baseball.

Yesterday we went 3-1.

Rays.

Win.

Phillies.

Win.

Dodgers.

Win.

Brewers.

Dustin May.

We’ll get there.

Three out of four is a good day. After the little pothole we’ve been bouncing through recently, I’ll happily take it.

But more importantly, yesterday gave us something useful.

A new rule.

Unfortunately, like most of our rules, we had to lose a baseball game before figuring it out.

⚾ TAMPA BAY RAYS ML ✅

Rays 5. Padres 4 in 11 innings.

This was our favorite pick of the day.

Naturally, Tampa was down 3-1 with two outs in the ninth inning.

Because apparently we’re no longer allowed to simply win things.

Jonny DeLuca hit a ball to the wall that looked like it might end the game. Samad Taylor got his glove on it.

And then he didn’t.

The ball went over the fence.

He Canseco’d it.

Tie game.

Tampa eventually won it in the 11th.

Drew Rasmussen did his part:

6 innings.

4 hits.

2 earned runs.

6 strikeouts.

The handicap was fine.

The path the baseball gods chose to deliver it was completely unnecessary.

Rays ML. Win.

⚾ MILWAUKEE BREWERS ML ❌

Rangers 7. Brewers 4.

Here’s the one that matters.

Yesterday, when we were grinding this game, I wrote:

“Dustin May against Kumar Rocker doesn’t exactly make me want to run through a wall.”

That should have been it.

Stop.

Thank you for playing.

Please collect your complimentary tote bag with Hello Kitty drinking a giant beer on the front and a Woodman’s supermarket logo on the back.

Instead, we continued.

Milwaukee had won four straight.

Texas had lost four straight.

Milwaukee was the better team.

Milwaukee had the better bullpen.

All of those things were true.

But somewhere underneath all of it was a sentence we had already written:

I don’t trust Dustin May. Neither do salads.

Milwaukee even gave him a 2-0 lead in the first inning.

Texas tied it.

Then went ahead.

Then kept going.

May took the loss.

And this morning we have a new rule.

THE DUSTIN MAY RULE

If the starting pitcher makes us uncomfortable enough that we specifically mention him as a reason not to make the bet, everything else has to be exceptional before we override that warning.

We saw the red flag.

Then we explained why the red flag probably wasn’t important.

It was important.

This is how rules are born around here.

Pain.

Usually with a moneyline attached.

⚾ PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES ML ✅

Phillies 5. Angels 2.

This is almost exactly what we’ve been trying to teach ourselves.

Zack Wheeler.

Good pitcher.

Bad opponent.

Ugly price.

Take the moneyline.

Don’t decorate it.

Don’t turn it into an arts-and-crafts project because we’d like the number to look prettier.

Wheeler gave Philadelphia six innings and allowed one run.

The Phillies broke the tie in the seventh and added insurance.

They’ve now won 13 of 15.

The price was ugly.

The bet was good.

Those are allowed to exist simultaneously.

Phillies ML. Win.

⚾ LOS ANGELES DODGERS ML ✅

Dodgers 6. Tigers 1.

Well.

We have to discuss the horse.

Yesterday I said:

I think Tyler Glasnow whips the horse today.

I didn’t entirely know what that meant.

Nobody knew what that meant.

I’m not certain Tyler Glasnow knew what that meant.

Apparently Tyler Glasnow speaks horse.

7 innings.

2 hits.

1 run.

6 strikeouts.

Horse:

Whipped.

Even more remarkable, the Dodgers offense returned from wherever it had been hiding.

After scoring exactly one run in three consecutive games, Los Angeles scored six.

Teoscar Hernández homered.

Freddie Freeman reached base four times.

The Dodgers remembered that home plate is not merely decorative.

This was also the pick I insisted we keep after the model wanted to cut it.

So naturally, I will be humble about this.

For approximately seven seconds.

My model.

My rules.

Dodgers ML. Win.

THE GIANT SCOREBOARD

Yesterday’s 3-1 moves the giant monstrosity to:

ALL SPORTS: 1,037-1,067-7

Our recent journey:

1-8 → 4-0 → 0-3 → 1-2 → 1-2 → 1-2 → 2-1 → 3-1

Wait.

Is that…

Improvement?

Nobody touch anything.

Meanwhile:

TENNIS: 0-1

Still there.

Still untouched.

Still preserved behind a velvet rope.

Nancy Grace Roman may discover 100,000 new planets before we make another tennis pick.

And I’m comfortable with that.

TODAY’S GRINDER

Yesterday changed the process a little.

We already had:

Find the edge first. Pick the market second. Price third.

Now we add:

Listen when the starting pitcher makes you nervous.

The Dustin May Rule.

And it actually affected today’s card.

We looked at games that would have made perfectly reasonable picks a week ago and threw them away.

Better team wasn’t enough.

Recent winning streak wasn’t enough.

Big-name pitcher wasn’t automatically enough.

And we didn’t keep searching until we had five picks because five looks nice on a graphic.

We found four.

So we’re playing four.

My model.

My rules.

⚾ TAMPA BAY RAYS F5 ML

We’re going back to Tampa, but we’re changing the market.

Ian Seymour against Robert Stock.

This is where the strongest part of the handicap lives.

Stock comes in with an ERA north of seven.

Seymour doesn’t need to be Cy Young.

He needs to be better than Robert Stock for five innings.

And after Tampa’s bullpen went through an 11-inning adventure yesterday, I’m perfectly happy removing that bullpen from the conversation.

That’s what first-five betting is supposed to do.

We’re not choosing F5 because it looks clever.

We’re choosing it because the starting-pitcher matchup is the edge.

Rays F5 ML.

⚾ SAN DIEGO PADRES F5 ML

This is another one where the market follows the handicap.

Michael King against Brady Singer.

King is the reason we’re interested.

Singer is the pitcher we’re attacking.

San Diego’s recent form hasn’t been wonderful, and I’m not particularly interested in asking its bullpen to make this decision for us.

So don’t.

Five innings.

King versus Singer.

That’s the bet.

Padres F5 ML.

⚾ MILWAUKEE BREWERS ML

Yes.

Milwaukee.

Again.

Yesterday’s loss doesn’t mean we put the Brewers in timeout.

It means we figure out why yesterday’s bet lost.

Yesterday we had Dustin May and talked ourselves around him.

Today we have Kyle Harrison.

That’s different.

Harrison is part of the reason we’re interested in Milwaukee rather than an obstacle we’re hoping the rest of the team can overcome.

And unlike the first two picks, I don’t want to isolate the starters here.

The full-game team and bullpen profile is part of the Milwaukee case.

Yesterday taught us not to blindly bet the better team.

It did not teach us to become afraid of Milwaukee.

Brewers ML.

⚾ BALTIMORE ORIOLES / COLORADO ROCKIES OVER 10.5

This one took a strange road onto the card.

We originally investigated Baltimore.

Kyle Bradish against Tanner Gordon.

And the more we looked at Bradish, the less comfortable I became laying favorite money with Baltimore.

Bradish just got hammered in his last start.

Gordon carries an ERA north of five.

And they’re pitching at Coors Field.

At some point I realized:

Why exactly are we trying to figure out which one of these guys we’re supposed to trust?

Don’t trust either of them.

There.

Problem solved.

This is the Dustin May Rule turned inside out.

The red flags don’t always mean there’s no bet.

Sometimes the red flags are the bet.

Orioles/Rockies OVER 10.5.

TODAY’S PICKS

⚾ TAMPA BAY RAYS F5 ML

⚾ SAN DIEGO PADRES F5 ML

⚾ MILWAUKEE BREWERS ML

⚾ BALTIMORE ORIOLES / COLORADO ROCKIES OVER 10.5

Four picks.

Two first fives.

One moneyline.

One Coors Field science experiment.

No fifth pick because we couldn’t find one worthy of admission.

Today’s rules:

Find the edge first.

Pick the market second.

Price third.

And:

When Dustin May is waving a red flag, maybe look at the red flag.

We’re learning.

Slowly.

Scientists don’t understand most of the universe.

I don’t understand most of baseball.

They built the Nancy Grace Roman Space Telescope.

I built a four-pick card.

One of these projects was nine months ahead of schedule.

The other will probably make me yell at my phone sometime around the fourth inning.

This isn’t called Pick What I Pick.

It’s called Don’t Pick What I Pick.

Please wager accordingly.